Whether it’s due to age, family history, or good old-fashioned digestive angst, colonoscopies happen to the best of us. I’ve been through the procedure a few times so far (for all of the aforementioned reasons), and while it’s definitely not bucket list material, I’m here to tell you that colonoscopies are totally and completely awesome. Here’s why:
1. Poop talk is medically appropriate and puns are easy to come by. “I really need to get my shit together.” Ha!“Holy crap!” Ha!
2. You can eat a big slice of that cake you just baked. You know, the recipe that included four sticks of butter? And don’t you dare feel an ounce of guilt about it. It’s going to come out anyway! (See #1.)
3. Your kids will be
Me: “Hey kids, I’m having a special test done, and I have to drink some medicine that’s going to make me feel yucky and poop a lot.”
Kids (with hands covering mouths): “OMG! That’s crazy! I’m never going to take that medicine! Don’t you ever give me that medicine! OMG! OMG!”
Me (to myself): Wait ‘til you turn 40, kiddos.
4. You can leave the room or end a conversation any time you want. When you gotta go, you gotta go! (See #1.)
5. You get a night off from parenting, including but not limited to, fractions homework, dinner preparation, screen time battles, and bedtime negotiations. Hmmm, maybe I should schedule colonoscopies more often. Wait. That’s nuts. But…
6. You’ll lose five pounds overnight. Results guaranteed!
7. You get perspective. When I told my kids I had to go to the hospital for my test, my older son panicked. “The hospital? Are you going to die?” There’s nothing pleasant about getting a colonoscopy, but they don’t cause death. In fact, they save lives.
8. You get drugs!
On a serious note, don’t be shy about asking for something to calm your nerves. By the time you finish a long night of prep, you’ll be exhausted, hungry, thirsty, your doctor might be running late, and you’ll have nothing but time on your hands to imagine the camera they’re going to stick up your ass. Ask about the hospital’s procedures, and if they don’t offer pre-op happy medicine, find a facility that does. Just sayin.’
9. After the colonoscopy is over, you can spend the rest of the day lounging in bed watching crappy (pun intended) romantic comedies on Netflix.
10. You’ll be a proud Mama when you find out your kids told everyone they encountered, including neighbors, the school crossing guard, their teachers, and the man behind the deli counter at the grocery store that “Mommy’s taking medicine that makes her poop.” That’s awesome with a capital A!
11. You get a fresh start! A clean slate! After the procedure, your digestive tract will be completely empty, and you can refill it any way you want. How about going vegan or gluten free? Or, how about that Whole30 program everyone’s blabbing about? I had big plans (huge!) to transform my diet after my last colonoscopy until I realized how flipping hungry I was after not eating for 36 hours and inhaled a bag of orangre Goldfish crackers I found in the backseat of the car on the drive home from the hospital. Oh well. There’s always next time.
12. If you’re fortunate, you’ll experience the relief and satisfaction of knowing you’re polyp-free and your next colonoscopy is five long years away. Woop woop!