Impure Thoughts

My husband was sick all week with a really bad case of strep throat. At some point on Wednesday, it occurred to me that he’d been in bed for three days. He was legitimately ill, but I couldn’t help wondering what would happen if I stayed in bed for three days. I’ll never know for sure BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, but most likely the house would burn to the ground.

My instinct for self-preservation kicked in hard and strong, because I couldn’t get it (see aforementioned house burning to the ground), and I certainly didn’t want the kids to get it, which would only increase my chances of getting it (house on fire!). Swift isolation and containment was my only option. In other words, no one was to be within a three-foot radius of Daddy or else Minecraft would disappear forever.

I’m the primary caretaker in the house, so it’s not like if he were feeling well, he’d be making school lunches at 6am or slogging through spelling sentences at 6pm, but there was just something a tiny bit totally and completely maddening about him sleeping on one end of the house (for three days) while I kept the hamster wheel moving on the other end of the house (for three days).

I confess I had impure thoughts.

Perhaps you should sleep elsewhere? Like at a hotel?

You touched the TV remote, didn’t you?

Wow, you sleep a lot.

Do you have any idea how many times I’ve changed the sheets this week?

Did you just cough on my toothbrush?

You’re not hungry?  You poor thing.

Don’t worry, I’ll feed and bathe the kids, play with the dog, and figure out something to eat for dinner while you wait for your fever to break (i.e. play on your iPad).

I’m fascinated by how much you sleep. 

Surely if you have enough energy to install Minecraft on the computer, you can feed the damn dog.

(I’m sorry.  Now that you’re back among the living, I feel a lot less angst.)

It’s Friday morning and no one has succumbed (yet), but because the universe sometimes has a warped sense of humor, there’s been an outbreak of lice at the kids’ school. The boys left the house this morning with lice-repelling shampoo and conditioning spray in their hair, but I’m telling you right now that if we survived strep throat only to end up with lice, I’ll burn the house down myself.

Do you have impure thoughts when your spouse/partner is sick?