Six Years Ago I Was Dead

The other day, Dylan said to me, “Six years ago I was dead.”  We were at the gas station.  I was pumping gas, and Dylan and Riley were hanging out the window.

I replied, “No, you weren’t dead.  You just weren’t born yet.”

Then he said, “I was dead when I was in your belly.”

I replied, “No, you weren’t.  You were growing inside of me.”

Then he said, “Look, I’m dead,” and his body went limp.

Then Riley said, “Look, I’m dead, too,” and he went limp next to his brother.

“Neither of you are dead,” I said.

Then Dylan said, “Two years ago I was dead and now I’m back.”

After that zinger, I changed the subject.

The ease with which my kids talk about, think about, and imitate death astounds me.  Equally surprising is the ease with which I talk about it with them.  Dylan has, on many occasions, asked me about death (thankfully he’s only had to mourn a fish so far), and I’ve had some pretty darn good answers (if I do say so myself).  The problem is that underneath my super cool, no big deal this-is-what-happens-when-you-die exterior, I’m a hot, flaming mess.

You see, death is one thing.  Dying is another.  I don’t even like it when my boys go to birthday parties without me.  How am I supposed to die?  How am I supposed to be gone?  Forever?  Holy crap.

I don’t know what happens after we die.  (Maybe Dylan was dead before he was born.)  Even more unsettling is that, if I’m being totally honest, the theory I consider to be the most likely is that nothing happens, which doesn’t leave me much to hang a hat on.

So, how exactly does one prepare for the end?  For nothingness?  And as long as I’m on the subject, what’s my purpose and why am I here?

Wait.  I’m sorry.  Do you think I have answers to these questions?  Ha!  If I contemplate for just a few seconds the notion that the earth is a speck of dust in an infinite universe, my chest tightens and I can’t catch my breath.

I don’t like being out of control, which is why general anesthesia is so hard for me and why life’s lemons propel me to clean out closets and organize cabinets (or at least go shopping for these projects at the Container Store).  Every aspect of death – from how to when to where to why – is a crapshoot, so I can’t embrace it any more than I can Dylan going to sleepaway camp or – gulp – driving a car.

I’ve lost my fair share of loved ones.  Their lives and deaths have not only given purpose to mine, but also amplified theirs.  I cherish the memories I have of them, the perspective they impart, the lessons they pass on, and the endless wisdom they share, even in death.   Whether I know it or not, my children and loved ones will have the same experience after I’m gone, which is a beautiful proposition, but it’s the “whether or not I know it” part with which I struggle.

I don’t believe in anything enough to surrender to it.  After 9/11, I desperately wanted to believe in something to make sense of why I was alive and others were dead, and I felt something eerily similar after my molar pregnancy.  In the end, though, these tragedies didn’t give me faith; rather they made me keenly aware of what I don’t believe.  I don’t believe in fate, I don’t believe in a plan, and I don’t believe things happen for a reason, all of which make dying a tricky proposition.

I certainly hope that by the time I’m an old lady – assuming I have the great fortune of growing old – I’ll have adopted a belief in something other than nothing or become exhausted enough with life to accept what does or doesn’t happen next.  In the meantime, I’ll obsess over the wrinkles developing in my cleavage (true story) and how my hands are starting to look like my mom’s (sorry mom), and I’ll live my life how I want my children to live theirs and how I want their children to live theirs and how I want their children’s children to live theirs.   Chest tightening.  Can’t catch breath.  And when overwhelming thoughts of death, nothingness, infinity, and my children’s children’s children take hold, I’ll do what I did after Dylan said, “Six years ago I was dead.”  I’ll change the subject.  Or, I’ll go to the Container Store.  (Ahh.)

watersunpark

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98 Comments

Filed under anxiety, conversations to remember, death, molar pregnancy, September 11th, shopping

98 responses to “Six Years Ago I Was Dead

  1. I think that while thinking about these questions is a good thing, agonizing over them like you are is more stressful and helpful. I propose you relax and try to live for the moment. It’s when you’re not thinking about the solutions to problems and enjoying life that the problems give you their answers. That’s how it’s been for me and for many others, and perhaps maybe for you too.

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    • Carrie Lange

      When my daughter was only 3 years old, she said to me, “Mama, I’m sorry I died.” I looked at her for a moment….

      “Pardon me,” I said.

      She looked very serious, balled up her fists, scrunched up her face and made a low grunting noise. “I went like this,” she said and then pointing between her legs with a puzzled look, she said, “and then that baby came out of there. And then I held that baby like this.” She made a cradling gesture with her arms, looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry, Mama, but that baby died too.”

      I was so shocked I didn’t know what else to say except, “When did all this happen?’

      She said almost dismissively, “Oh, you know, before here.”

      Just remembering that sends chills up my spine every time. It’s the one thing in all my life that has ever TRULY given me hope that there is something beyond death…

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  2. I think that your Uncle David spirit is alive and well and his lessons will live on with you and Dylan! Don’t you agree?

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    • I absolutely love md adore this. Mostly, because I can really relate to this. I’ve had really close relatives leave in the past year and I didn’t get to say goodbye.

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  3. Death…you just do it, like everything else. You just do it.

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  4. Holy crap! This is SO me. I can’t fathom ceasing to exist, to be conscious. The only reason the kids are so “okay” with it is likely because they are not developmentally mature enough at this point to really understand what death means, you know? And the whole thing coincides nicely with my inability to embrace God, which I’ve written about more than once. Ah, to be a kid again…

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  5. Wrinkles are character –

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  6. Excellent post. It makes me really, really glad that I do believe in a plan and a higher power that cares. I can’t afford too many trips to the Container Store! Plus, perhaps I can use my beliefs as an excuse for my messy house.
    “You see, I have faith, therefore I have no need to frantically organize closets. Nay, I do not even believe in washing the dishes. That’s so … EARTHLY.”
    Thanks for the food for thought, and blessings on your musings! Congrats on being FP!

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    • Totally agreed that having read this makes me SO glad I believe in much higher power..Not sure I want to imagine how believing in “nothingness” feels..Though even those who don’t believe out loud; are still loved children of GOD. Who is my higher power..there are some things such as the wonder of just giving birth! that is an indication of a far higher power. The list goes on and on..I do however enjoy reading well written material and the free-flow of thoughts. Good job! Stay UP lifted & blessed

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  7. Just about everything I’ve written on my blog is about death and dying. It’s not that I am obsessed with the topic but because I was the sole care giver for six years for my father who passed this past January. I guess if you don’t know if anything comes after death then that could be a major point of anxiety.

    Anyway if you get a chance come on over and check out a different point of view. I wouldn’t try to persuade you or anyone else to believe how I believe. That’s not my thing. But you may find something to help allay your fears.

    Wonderful post! Be well.

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  8. My four year old just started doing this the other day. He is completely serious and will question me to the nth on dying, dead, whatever you can think of … and, he hates to see a photo of anyone else from before he was born. He’s near obsessed with it. I am hoping this is a phase so I just answer his questions as concisely as possible. It seems to satisfy the curiosity. I’m pretty blunt and that works for him.

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  9. There is no question that eternity has been placed in our hearts. On some intrinsic level, that at least has been given to us. We can’t see the wind and don’t know where it comes from or goes, but we know it is there. It’s the same with the spirit of God. There tends to be a strong hand of love hidden in the shadows…

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  10. nmcvey

    This is a wonderful and candid post. I completely agree that to just no longer exist is such an unfathomable concept. Death itself can be a wonderful thing but the process of dying itself is often different, undignified and painful.

    Really enjoyed reading your post 🙂

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  11. Anxiety sucks! Not having control sucks, and, sometimes, life just sucks! I think almost every human who has ever drawn breath, has been were you are at, or at least understands where your coming from. I know I do, but there is one thing that keeps me from coming unglued, and that’s faith, my dear. Faith that there is a Savior in heaven who is preparing a place for me in eternity. I wish you the best of luck with your journey on this roller coaster ride called life, but more than anything I hope you find something you can believe in…a little faith, my dear, a little faith. Best Wishes!

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  12. My son checks out The Child’s Guide to Death and Dying from his Elementary school library at least twice a year. I’m surprised the librarian hasn’t called me… He just says calmly “I want to know things”. We have had some long talks and keeping things matter of fact is definitely the best way for us to handle it. Thanks for posting this, I’m glad to know we aren’t alone!

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  13. Very existential indeed, though your post does tell me that you don’t unequivocally believe in NOTHINGNESS after death. After all, you talked a lot about how your loved ones taught you so much in their deaths. How you cherish their memories and value the lessons they have taught you. Perhaps that IS their life after death. Being cherished in the minds and hearts of those that knew us and loved us after we are gone is, in a way, the most that we could have asked for in life. Is it an afterlife? Maybe. Is it a way we outlive our earthly forms. DEFINITELY!

    Congrats on the press. and the awesome post. I’ll be following you from now on.

    -Leanne http://www.kindofmind.wordpress.com

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  14. Serenity through organization! I get it. Or at least the appearance of serenity, and the brain buzz from trying to tidy and declutter blocks the anxiety of unanswerable questions.
    Great post, and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

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  15. Well written! Kids can really throw us a loop now and again. 😀

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  16. Really enjoyed this post. Sweet, sad, and honest. I’m so glad it was “freshly pressed,” whatever that means.

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  17. Some of my favorite conversations and greatest moments of reflection began with a child’s unpredictable exclamation. Lovely post.

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  18. sociable7

    awwww

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  19. My 5-year-old has recently contemplated death. Realizing just how mortal she is. Of course, no help from my 8-year-old who told her she would melt if it were a hundred degrees (Celsius) outside. Giving her a fear of going outside in the sun.
    I also worry about dying randomly at home with my 3-year-old who wouldn’t know how to work a phone or open the locked doors. :/
    Horrible thoughts I don’t want to think about.
    Great post. 🙂

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  20. LouWritesStuff

    Enjoyed reading this a lot. I’ll share that we inadvertently informed my daughter (now 9) about the concept of death when she was around 5 years old. She loves John Lennon’s version of “Stand By Me” and one night asked about him. I saw no reason to lie: “he’s dead,” I said, hoping that would end conversation. But no: “how did he die?” “A crazy man shot and killed him.” Story over? Nope. After a little mental processing she realized that my wife and I would one day die and that she would be alone. That was a fun few weeks we spent soothing her fears. And she’s still a big Lennon (and Beatles) fan, conceptualized death and all.

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  21. I don’t like comments that say, “Hey, read mine. I know where you’re coming from.” But, hey, I admire your descriptions of wishing for a sense of purpose and meaning sufficient to make sense of dying, and a feeling that somehow the realest things are the people we know who have come and then gone. For me, the long history of living things on earth has helped me get grounded, without my having to acquire a “belief” that just wasn’t there. Here’s a particular post you might find relevant: http://threepointeightbillionyears.com/2012/07/13/do-atheists-have-deathbed-conversions/
    Congratulations again on your post, and I look forward to stopping here again.
    Brock

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  22. Try turning the focus from the mystery of death to the mystery of life.
    And then, quietly, try to find the eternity in a moment of living.
    And repeat.

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  23. Even Jesus wept when Lazarus died. I think everyone’s afraid of death. It’s a scary concept.

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    • Death is indeed feared by all, inspite of it being our inevitable very known end. 🙂
      But as rightly said – ‘Death is one thing, dying is another’. To live till you breath is the most important.

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  24. Wonderful post. Thanks for being brave and sharing these thoughts. This especially grabbed me (because I feel the same way):

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  25. Whoops. Premature This part resonated:
    Even more unsettling is that, if I’m being totally honest, the theory I consider to be the most likely is that nothing happens, which doesn’t leave me much to hang a hat on.

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  26. I loved reading this. I’m on the cusp of becoming a grandfather and my 8 year old neighbor just died. Life. There is so much to learn through the voices of our children’s eyes. Keep loving, keep learning.

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  27. We don’t ask to come, and then we dread leaving. Fantastic post, something that has been heavily on my mind lately, with me having lost someone very recently. Such a strange concept, to think of being no more than a memory.

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  28. Death – interesting topic … I have a theory or two (having been near death myself (literally) but I don’t want you to run to the container store this late at night … I want to reblog this more because the perspective of children is very interesting – kudos! Great post (www.lipstickandchaos.wordpress.com

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  29. Reblogged this on How To Make It Look Easy and Still Have Time for Lipstick and commented:
    Very interesting perspective of the child – plus mom pulled it off nicely!

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  30. It’s a funny kind of deja-vu when you read a strangers words, and ironically, they seem achingly familiar. I often insominise ( my special word for letting my anxiety keep me awake all nite) about ageing, what will happen when I, you know, die, and, if I’m doing all I can to prepare my kids to be good adults. Whew…… that is the reason the doc put me on Ambien. The thought of getting old, and or passing before I think I’m ready scares the hell out of me. What will the kids, free world and Facebook do without me?
    I’m not ignorant of death, I am old enough that my grandparents are now gone, plus my father and older sister. I keep my dad’s ashes in a bottle on a shelf in my room. I talk to him more now, then when he wad alive. My sister is never far from my thoughts, as I just can’t accept the reality that she will never sing along to Garth Brooks with me. Death is inevitable, and eventual, but is it really that final? Is the light at the end of the tunnel just the view as we slip out of a different vagina?
    I know that there are an infinite amount of things I can change that my time would be better spent thinking about. But, the end, because I have no idea what to expect, is still my biggest worry.

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  31. As a person of faith, I am secure in my final destination. That doesn’t mean I have no fear. Worse, I’m a Funeral Director. Every day, I come into contact with people who have died and the loved ones who mourn them.

    Despite my faith, there are nights when I lie awake, terrified of what death will look like for me.

    It has become a motivator for me, though. Do more, reach more, invest more…with my life, to others, in my children. I’m not callous to death, I simply have acknowledged that it will happen…and that our finite existence has a powerful purpose.

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  32. The book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn was a great answer to these questions that I had too. A friend of mine died, an I couldn’t understand what that meant. This book really helped me find some answers to these tough questions’

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  33. touching.
    of course.
    i couldn’t help but think (just a theory) that there is something in YOUR family, my family, any family, which gives rise to conversations like this.
    I can’t even begin to really advance any tenets to this theory. hmmm… could be that death&dying occurred when our kids were relatively young, and perhaps they picked up on actions, conversations, family rituals, hospital waits, and my wife’s and my beliefs on the subject. my daughter is basically a buddhist, and KNOWS she has been reincarnated and will be again.
    we are not so sure what our son believes.
    (yeah, we’re batting 0.500%. your average obviously is better than ours!)

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  34. I think I’m on your level of thinking when you say “I don’t know what happens when you die” and to cease to exist could be a scary thought but I think it’s a possibility that there is no god, and we are just humans. A species that’s advanced and living on this planet without any meaning. I find it hard to have “faith” and blindly believe in something their is no proof of and I don’t think your post was a cry for help I think it was just a very natural way of thinking about our life and our purpose. It’s important to just take one day at a time and experience the beauty of being alive and trying to be happy. I try to enjoy my time alive because like you, I simply don’t know what happens when the lights are out. And I’m pretty okay with that, because it makes my life that much more valuable, the fact that its temporary, mysterious, and interesting.

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  35. Thanks for your open and honest understanding of death — it’s one of the most likely explanations I’ve read lately.

    Nobody “knows” and if anybody tells you otherwise, just listen to Dylan and Riley explain things again and again. What little smarties, they are!

    Smiles!

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  36. Love this real post – from a fellow mom hand, wrinkle cleavage blogger!

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  37. sula1968

    Last month an 8 year old child at my 5 year old son’s school was murdered by his mother. They did not tell the children the details but I had very mixed feelings about him attending the memorial service at the school. He was very moody the day that they were told of the child’s death and he said “only old people are meant to die”. I gave him the choice whether to attend the memorial or not, he choose to attend. In the end he was sick on the day and not at school, I was relieved. Still we live in a death denying society and perhaps with more awareness of death we would live more fully.

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  38. A family friend died a few days ago. She was perfectly fine and within two days went through coma and all her organs failed in an erratic sequence. I am still not over it, neither is her family. Dealing is difficult for the surviving people, not the dead!
    So I don’t care if I die but I’m really scared about losing a loved one.

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  39. A hard topic with young kids! And for us, too. A wonderful, honest post. Thank you.

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  40. spiralsturn

    You can breathe!
    I think it’s great you can talk to your kids about stuff like this. Better to learn from someone they trust than figure it out the hard way.
    These huge questions are never truly going to be answered in life whether you have a faith or not. So what’s the point in worrying? As long as you live well and true to yourself and love your kids, death for yourself becomes unimportant.
    Thanks for sharing your post.

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  41. brilliantly written. i enjoyed reading this! 🙂

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  42. uscgparentingnetwork

    Reblogged this on uscgparentingnetwork and commented:
    Interesting and powerful. We want to control things, but there are somethings that we have to just accept.

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  43. Reblogged this on runningcoastietocoastie and commented:
    Great blog, very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing.

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  44. I think that kids cause us to contemplate things that we have not thought deeply about in a long time to be honest with you. As adults, we tend more toward dealing with everything in the immediate; although, we may say that we have long-term goals. Your kids don’t want you to have all the right answers. We aren’t calm and cool all the time, and I think that they sense it.

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  45. Wow, I love this post. I’ve actually written one on the same topic and I felt sort of strange, as if no one else had these moments of feeling, literally, afraid of what happens when we die. I’m married to someone who believes that nothing happens, that we are dust, but I can’t come to terms with nothing. And it scares the living hell out of me. If you get a chance, and want to know you aren’t alone in these feelings, check out my post: http://angstanxietypanic.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/cosmic-insecurity/

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  46. Dont think am as scared of dying myself as i am of losing a loved one. Also, the fact that i do not have kids makes it easier for me being fearless.
    Beautiful post!

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  47. Buddhists monks have a ritual to sit amongst the dead. Must accomplish something eh?

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  48. infreegarden

    We are humans. There are two things that make us open our eyes every day: curiosity and hope. I am not that huge believer in God but I have a lot of hope towards everyone and everything. I am young and curious, always willing to learn more and I hope i have a great life. I do not want to die, not now, not even when i will be old. I think the world is beautiful and i will have so little time to see it all, to experience it to the very bit, to meet all the beautiful people that share it with me..So I do hope, so much that it is becoming a believe that after i die I will be able to continue knowing it and be a part, even if it is a slightest part of it.

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  49. This is an excellent, honest rumination on a reality of human existence that I think every person contemplates from time to time, but doesn’t always have words to express. To consider life and death is one of the most human endeavors, and relating that thought process to the generation before and after you is poignant. Through my personal experiences and reading tons of literature (I’d say most art in one way or another represents an externalized attempt at dealing with the impending certainty of our doom), I’ve come to think of human existence as a great ocean of memory that not only encapsulates our genetic legacy, but our conscious legacy as well, and ebbs and flows with the geography of time. By interacting with and loving one another, we all pass on experiences that never really fade in their significance or relevance. At any given moment, any person is a cumulative representative of the history that has come before, and though those who lived to bring us into existence have died, they are never really gone.

    Anyway, sorry to ramble at you. Beautiful piece – thank you for writing.

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  50. Wow this is one of the most honest, touching posts i’ve read on any blog in a while… It’s nice to know we’re not alone in feeling nervous, scared and downright depressed about the thought of one day not being there for our children. Thanks for the read. ❤

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  51. You don’t have to have kids to be scared of death or dying. Or to talk about it.

    We don’t have kids and it raises a lot of different questions about legacy. Who to leave our assets to? In what order? Who (if anyone) will want or care for any of our treasured memories or belongings? (I assume some auctioneer will get rid of them to a room full of strangers.) Why bother being buried with a marker anywhere if no one will come to plant a flower there in later months or years?

    And general anesthesia (I’ve had four surgeries in 13 years) is terrifying for anyone who realizes they may well not wake up from it.

    I write for a living and hope someone will read my work after I’m gone. But even if they do, so what? Sobering stuff.

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  52. Dylan may have been remembering a past life. Who knows?

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  53. emiiis

    It’s hard to talk about death :/

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  54. I’ve worked in end of life care for over 12 years. I have no answers, just surrender.

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  55. cosmoseffect

    As long as you make an honest attempt at well, being honest, things should be okay. It’s natural for children to want to know about things and talk casually about these sorts of things, if they hadn’t experienced it yet (you are very blessed with this, thankfully). I, as a child, had to witness my grandmother wither away from cancer; so, I learned the hard way. Your children, are precious, by the way.

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  56. NIce job! This is a really nice post!

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  57. I love that I am not the only one who, when feeling out of control, starts cleaning, purging, and organizing! Containers make me happy…. Great post.

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  58. I died for 15 minutes in 2009, then after I came out of the induced coma, I was ‘deaded’ again for 12 minutes while they re-set my resting heart rate. The first time I knew nothing, the second time I had 24 hours to think about being made dead, then brought back to life again… providing nothing went wrong… again. You have two great kids. Go and hug them. Now. And stop thinking about dead. It will happen one day… but not this day. Not so far, anyway.

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  59. Up until my grandmother died suddenly when I was 15, I never once thought of death. That kids do now at such a young age is a sad commentary on the times. RATZ to that.

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  60. I recently lost my grandmother and it’s the first time I’ve actually lost someone close to me and for some reason I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea of her being gone forever. Whenever I go over to my grandparents’ house, I always just instinctively wave to the empty bed where she used to sit watching TV. There is always a thought in the back of my head that she’s just in the bathroom at the moment, no big deal… Until I think about it more and realize that she’s not. I’ve always wondered if there really is a way to “understand” death. Even imagining death for me is a strange concept. Is it nothingness or is it the pearly gates? Or is it something else entirely (not meaning hell…)?

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  61. Death is the only thing which is truth and can’t be denied. It is always with us and when the life deceives us, death is the only friend who will hold us.

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  62. Love your blog–Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!! 🙂

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  63. wow,thank 4 that wonderful piece.

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  64. Anonymity

    Congrats on being freshly pressed. I love your style of writing and how easy it seems. I get a sense of your personality without ever having met you. When questions about death and life come up, I often find myself going back to the first law of thermodynamics=the law of conservation of energy, which states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, however, energy can change forms and can flow from one place to another. And then I ponder on all of it ……….Now my thoughts are running off and I must go read more!

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  65. Agree!

    Although nothingness doesn’t scare me nearly as much as a possibility of pain and agony before I get there… And I will just miss all these books I love so much, and all these great ideas out there that I will no longer be able to cherish, and all these beautiful places I will no longer be able to see, and the fact that my daughter might possibly feel lonely without me one day… I don’t want her to suffer.

    Other than that, nothingness seems a lot more acceptable than reincarnation, heaven/hell possibility, or a chance of wandering aimlessly in the universe for eternity.

    Somehow, the option of possibly living again does not appeal to me. So, nothingness it is! Hopefully.

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  66. This is an incredibly thoughtful, well-written post. I found it while narcissistically looking for my own, which was Freshly Pressed at about the same time. Finding yours makes my self-involvement a tiny bit more tolerable. But just a little. =)

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  67. TobagoWoman

    Kids say the darnest things. Oh to be a child again with concept of consequences and an idea of time. Look at it this way, the things they say reflect their innocence. Take it with a pinch of salt. Absolutely enjoyed your post!

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  68. I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death: O death, I will be thy plagues; O grave, I will be thy destruction… Hosea 13:14 (New American Standard Bible)… What if it’s true?

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  69. Preparing for death is easy.
    Fix everything so the people left behind won’t be looking for bank accounts, insurance certificates or money (believe me its what they’ll be looking for, not a cherished photograph). Transfer everything you own to the people you want own them when you’re gone – saves a lot of fighting at the wake.

    Then nature takes over, and it’s done this kind of things billions of times so it always gets it right.

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  70. inationbook is right – sort everything out well beforehand. Hand over the wealth, such as it is, to your children, regardless. One doesn’t need much when old and they will be at a stage in life when they could use it much more effectively. Though you die, part of you lives on – your children, grandchildren all have some of your DNA.

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  71. 321 Equals Six

    Great blog. Keep searching.

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  72. It is a privilege to grow old, I hope I am that lucky. I too, have two boys (2 & 4). Both love to fall on the floor and be dead with their tongues hanging out. Oy vay.

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  73. Being present and in the moment is my definition of surrender. From a physics perspective, I find some comfort and mystery in being that small fleck in a vast universe.

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  74. Life is WAY too good to NOT believe that it’s all for a reason. You don’t have to know the reason. You simply love those with whom you share your world and leave your own indelible mark on those whose paths you cross. Part of your journey led you here, to make others think. Cross that one off your list 🙂 Cheers.

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  75. StephanieGeorgina

    Brilliant summary of the topic. So completely honest, I’ve thought about this a lot and it’s almost comforting to think back to how, as a child, one thinks about these things – so simply and innocently.

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  76. ..its an awkward thing!
    if youre religious, you think youll go to heaven or hell…if youre not, then who knows where we go!
    ive seen so many good people die early, too early, whilst so many idiots are still walking around…wheres the logic in that?
    what kind of a god is it that does that? i cannot believe in a god who strikes out good lives, but leaves bad ones untouched.
    and what happens when we die? i think we stay here…but not just here, but….everywhere…all at the same time!
    and if we want to live more lives, we decide to be born again….simple as that….i dont know…..for all we know, the people who have left us, may be as far away from us as our noses….only theyre on a different plane….that we cannot see, or hear or feel……i sometimes write about these things in my blog….drop in when you can!

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  77. I’ve got that faith in a higher power. I admire your bravery in facing your doubts. Here’s to living your way into the answer.

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  78. As a parent I have also had similar discussions with my kids. I also used to come across similar conversations as a physics/chemistry teacher in high school.

    They see things in ways we forget as we grow older. It’s always good when they make us reflect on our own experiences and question our own thoughts and ideas on a variety of subjects.

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  79. Thank you for sharing. I had never heard a child would think like this. We were all spirits before he came down to earth to gain a body. But it is fascinating how we all got here. I know we all must die but I am not ready. I think having higher power and learning about Jesus, life on earth and turning to prayer on how to explain to our children these thoughts is one way. Anyway thank you for sharing your story.

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  80. AF

    Life and death.. these are the biggest facts… no matter what we do life goes on.. n we can’t stop death…. and its a blessing we don’t know about the time of our death coz if we did, we wouldn’t be able to live in the moment! so dear, i believe to live in the very moment… n pray n love the life u have coz most people envy us too…. thank God for each n every thing..even bad times..coz they make us learn too…
    liked ur blog.
    Stay Blessed.

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  81. Hi there. : ) Very touching and profound post. I know where you are. I developed fears of death at a very young and tender age. I would HATE going to bed at night because my mind would inevitably drift to the fact that life was only so long. I have, since then, found peace. I’ve actually… I’ve found the answers. I just want you to know that I really can relate to you, so I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. If not, no worries.
    I understand. (:
    Peace be with you; <3always,

    22

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  82. I hope you find that belief soon 🙂 God has a plan for you and your lovely children.

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  83. Like you, I don’t believe in anything that happens after life, either. But I don’t really fear it, even if I still hope to live a long and fruitful life.

    As Mark Twain said, “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” 🙂

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  84. thatjulietgirl

    death is such a complex thing, as everyone knows, but I love hearing about it from a kids point of view. I’m only a teenager but I’ve had a lot of death in my life, and I know the way I think of it, without god or pearly gates, but with the hope that there is something beyond this life, isn’t the way that others do. I think the worst way one could react to death is spending the majority of their life thinking about it … this was excellent writing

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  85. Live in the moment, and screw the rest. Enjoy those babies while you can.

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  86. Beautifully written, very special 🙂

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