Category Archives: colonoscopy

February 29, 2012 · 11:24 pm

We’re Okay

I opened a can of worms this week.  In my head.  I don’t want to close the can (or touch any worms, for that matter), but my mind is like a Cuisinart set on pulse, and I’ve been mixed up since Monday.

I spoke to a friend and life coach earlier this week about my blog and about my aspiration to write a book. We also talked about the beginning of my motherhood journey, which included some sad stuff, like miscarriage, molar pregnancy, and depression and wasn’t nearly as fun or funny as motherhood is now (with the exception of taking Dylan to the dentist).  I wasn’t writing much back then, so while I lived through it and got the help I needed to cope and move forward, I never processed the experience they way I do now through the blog. 

The Runaway Mama is how I make sense of my life, and it’s a reminder that I have a purpose beyond serving at the pleasure of my adorable and demanding children.  I know I complain about a lot of things, like potty training and the above mentioned dentist appointments, but I like to think I do so from the perspective of a Mama who once looked at an ultrasound screen in her OB/GYN’s office and saw snow in her uterus like on a television screen when the cable goes out.  Going back (in my mind and my heart) to write about the sad beginning of this extraordinary journey has unexpectedly –and hopefully temporarily – turned my head into a blender.

The boys don’t seem to notice my zombie state, although I did blow through a stop sign yesterday afternoon with Riley in the car.  Oops.  Luckily, there were no other cars – or police, for that matter – at the intersection.  Riley probably wouldn’t even have noticed if I hadn’t yelled, “Shit!”   Thankfully, he didn’t repeat what I said.  (Last weekend, after two poop accidents in less than 10 minutes, I blurted out “Jesus Christ!”  Just so you know, “Jesus Christ” coming from a toddler’s mouth is not as cute as you might think.)  But he did ask, “What happened, Mommy?”  I said, “Nothing, Sweetie.  Mommy drove through a stop sign but it’s okay.  We’re okay.”

On Monday, because I knew the Tuesday conversation was coming, I sat comatose in front of the television for 2 1/2 hours while the kids were at school.  That helped a little bit, but “Grey’s Anatomy” isn’t as good as it used to be.  Tuesday, I had my moving violation.  Today has been uneventful so far, although I almost missed my exit on the highway this morning, and tomorrow, I have to go to the gastroenterologist who’s probably going to schedule another colonoscopy for me because my hematologist (yes, I have a whole team of doctors who deal with my Crazy) thinks I should repeat it sooner than the prescribed five years since they found a pre-cancerous polyp in my very young colon.  The only good news there is that a colonoscopy on the calendar might take my mind off the other stuff consuming me.

On Friday – at the end of this nutty week – I’ll get to see my little Dylan be a King of Shabbat at school.  He’ll either sing the Shabbat songs with his classmates or he’ll fidget with his hands, tug on his shirt, and make funny faces because he’ll be too nervous to sing in front of so many people.   In either scenario, I know one thing for sure.  He’ll find me in the crowd of parents, teachers and students and flash me a smile that will remind me just how miraculous motherhood is and how fortunate I am to be on this journey that is uniquely mine.

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Filed under colonoscopy, Crazy Mama, cursing, molar pregnancy, motherhood

May 27, 2011 · 3:43 pm

Thank You, Oprah

My sister-in-law, Heather, had surgery yesterday to remove a mass from one of her ovaries.  Going into the surgery, we didn’t know if it was benign or malignant, or if they would have to remove one ovary or perform a full hysterectomy.  It was an exhausting day that had some missteps – her surgeon was called to an emergency at another hospital and her surgery was delayed several times – and, thankfully, some humor – I accidentally went to the wrong hospital and was helplessly lost for over an hour before I realized I was in the wrong place.  Oops.

I’m happy to report the surgery went well.  It was the longest two hours I can remember, but the news was very good.   They only had to remove one ovary and the growth was benign.  I’ve known about all of this for several weeks but chose not to write about it until now.  Partly, it was because it was her ovary and her story, not mine.  But also, it was because whenever I thought about writing something, I felt an intense urge to curl up into a ball and watch “Bridget Jones’s Diary” on a continuous loop.

I have a unique ability to imagine terrifying medical scenarios, especially for myself.  Remember my colonoscopy?  I can definitely be a whole lotta crazy, but it’s fear more than pessimism.  At my core, I’m an optimist.  Yesterday, in the hospital cafeteria, I told my mother-in-law I couldn’t see the doctor coming out of surgery and telling us it was ovarian cancer.  I was literally unable to imagine the scenario playing out in my head.  I was either in denial or it just wasn’t going to happen.

On the phone last night, I said to my mother-in-law, “We dodged a bullet, didn’t we?”  I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth because dodging a bullet feels lucky, and luck is something for which you can’t really take any credit.  Whatever was growing inside Heather’s body was out of our control, but on the outside, we had a choice – to swarm or dance.  (Are you sick of that one yet?  Sorry.)  We chose to dance.  We put all of our energy into love, hope and even some laughter (ending up at the wrong hospital helped).  The outcome of Heather’s surgery wasn’t just luck.  It was a lesson, too.

In the afternoon, I had a half hour to kill before picking up the boys at school, so I watched the first few minutes of Oprah’s final show on the DVR (I missed watching it on Wednesday).   She spoke of how all life is energy and you get what you give, and she said something incredible:

“You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you’re responsible for the energy you bring to others.”

How true!  I’ve experienced this energy force many times in my life – when I danced on stage, when I healed from my molar pregnancy and when I gave birth to my two boys.  I felt it yesterday, too.  I wish none of this ever happened, and I’m beyond grateful about the outcome, but I’m also thankful for the reminder that energy matters.  Thank you, Oprah.

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Filed under cancer, colonoscopy, energy, gratitude, luck, molar pregnancy, Oprah