Q: A Mama schleps her three-year-old son to Whole Foods at 8am on a Tuesday morning because she needs a Green Dream pronto. The smoothie costs $6.99. Then, the Mama buys her son a jumbo croissant because he wants it and because she needs him to keep his s–t together while they wait. The croissant costs $1.99. On their way to the front of the store, the Mama’s son insists he needs to buy flowers. “They’re for you, Mommy,” he says looking up at her with his toothy smile and ridiculously blue eyes, “because I love you.” (He had me at hello.) At the cash register, the Mama pays for the Green Dream, croissant, and flowers and the total, including a $1.50 tax is $28.47. Just how much did those flowers cost?
A: $17.99. Oops. Not only am I a compulsive shopaholic, but also I’m a careless one, too. Let’s hope I can keep the flowers alive for at least a few days.
Q: A Mama finally takes her little sinus troll to the ENT. Not surprisingly, Doc puts the troll on Nasonex and a strict dairy rehabilitation program. He is to have no more than two servings of dairy (from cows) per day. Doctor’s orders.
According to the USDA, one serving of milk is one cup. On an average day, the troll drinks approximately four to 40 cups of liquid cocaine Kefir. And then there’s all of the other dairy indulgences he fancies, such as cream cheese, cheese sticks, yogurt, pudding, and ice cream.
This Kefir addict has been known to throw sharp objects, melt in a puddle of his own tears and saliva, and/or make fire shoot out of his ears if Kefir isn’t presented to him pronto in his favorite blue cup with a blue cover and a blue straw. This Mama is both terrified and thrilled to tame her addict. Terrified because the withdrawal period will be agonizing and quite possibly dangerous for anyone within a one-mile radius. Thrilled because each 32-ounce jug of Kefir costs $4.39. Conversely, soymilk, which Doc gives a thumbs up, costs a mere $3.35 for a half-gallon, which according to the “Internets” is 64 ounces. (This Mama was never good at retaining measurement conversions. She also sucked at geometry.)
If this Mama buys on average eight jugs, or 256 ounces, of Kefir per week, she spends about $35.12 (plus tax) enabling her troll’s addiction. If she’s able to switch the troll from Kefir to soymilk, she can buy approximately four containers per week and spend just $13.40. That’s over $20 per week in savings and a lot of money the Mama can spend carelessly elsewhere.
The good news is that the troll likes chocolate soymilk, no one was (seriously) injured during the detox process, he wakes up coughing a lot less, and the insurance co-payment for all of it was $35.
A: Was there a question?
Q: On Tuesday, a Mama goes to Whole Foods once and Publix twice. On Wednesday, she goes back to Publix. On Thursday, she goes to Publix (and uses a coupon!). On Friday, she goes to Publix. On Saturday, she rests. (Actually, she doesn’t rest at all. She just doesn’t go to the grocery store.) On Sunday, she goes to Whole Foods in the morning and Publix in the afternoon. On Monday, she goes to Publix. On Tuesday, she goes to *Target. In seven days, how many times does the Mama go to the grocery store?
A: Ten. This is embarrassing. Replace Whole Foods with “a soup kitchen,” Publix with “the gym” and Target with “the spa.” Ahh…that sounds much better.
*Target counts as a grocery store because they sell (and she bought) groceries there.
The Runaway Mama by Jen Gregory 