Out of Office Reply

Greetings!

I will be out of the office until my kids go the f*ck to school with limited access to my sanity. If you need immediate assistance, why the hell are you contacting me? I haven’t showered in days, I can’t remember the last time my kids brushed their teeth, and I’m pretty sure they ate Fritos for breakfast.

I will respond to your email just as soon as I’ve had enough “me time” to not feel murderous about finding wet bathing suits on beds, cheese stick wrappers stuck to keyboards, and popcorn kernels imbedded in the backseat of the car.

In the meantime, please review my recent career successes, including getting head lice and spreading it to our closest friends, introducing my picky-eaters to the healthy habit of drinking Mountain Dew, and endangering my kids’ lives in a freak storm for the sake of punctuality.

Also, please consider projects I never got around to finishing (or starting) this summer, including sorting through the remaining boxes from our move over a year ago, painting the family room, planting a garden, and teaching my seven-year-old how to tie his shoes.

If your matter is urgent, look for me on Facebook and Twitter. That’s my happy place when I’m procrastinating on the above-mentioned assignments or avoiding current objectives, including folding laundry, labeling school supplies, and cleaning the clutter from the kitchen table every surface in my house. Otherwise, I will respond to your inquiry upon my return to routine and stability (i.e. after I get rid of my kids for six hours a day).

Warmly,