If you were lucky enough to snag a pair of official “ISO 12312-2” solar eclipse glasses, do NOT throw them away! If not because you paid a small fortune for them, then because they are useful far beyond today’s epic celestial event.
These magical optical vessels not only block out the most dangerous rays from the sun, but also they shield a mom’s eyes from the most harmful images of parenthood, including but not limited to:
- Popcorn kernels permanently embedded in between couch cushions.
- A zombie battle drawn on the wall with a Sharpie.
- Crushed Cheerios on the kitchen floor.
- A post-bath flood.
- Legos. Period.
- Lunch boxes you forgot to empty in June.
- A clogged toilet no one told you about for three days.
- The aftermath of a kid cooking scrambled eggs.
- A poop explosion up the back.
- Dog poop tracked through the house on the bottom of a soccer cleat.
- Vomit. In the middle of the night. In the top bunk.
- The backseat of your minivan.
- A toddler eating an ice cream cone.
- Poop in the tub!
- Play-Doh bits cemented in the carpet.
- A slime-themed birthday sleepover.
- Pee-streaked bathroom walls.
- One kid farting in the face of another.
WARNING: Eclipse glasses do not – I repeat, DO NOT – block the damaging smells of parenthood. Proceed with caution.
The Runaway Mama by Jen Gregory 