Category Archives: anxiety

I Have Something To Tell You

I’ve written before about the night shift in my house. Between Dylan, Riley and Harry’s nighttime escapades, getting a good night of sleep can be difficult.  Add to that my bouts of Anxious Mama insomnia and, well, forget about it.

At 5:40am this morning, I heard something moving around in my room.  Harry paces when he wants to be let out.  If we ignore the pacing, he scratches his collar, which jingles his tag and makes just enough noise to irritate one of us enough to get out of bed.

The noise this morning, though, was different.  Something was quietly shifting around the room.  Still, I assumed it was Harry and tried to ignore it.  Then “it” got closer to my side of the bed and the shifting sounded more like the scrunching sound a diaper makes when a little diaper-wearing person moves one pudgy, squishy leg in front of the other.  Then “it” said, “Mommy, I have to tell you something.”

“It” was Riley. What did he have to tell me?  “I want milk.”  It was 5:42am.

Normally this type of event would irk me, but lately I’ve had fleeting moments where I’ve realized the baby years I’ve been wishing away (because they’ve been so damn hard) are actually going to end soon.   I’ve also realized that, as my boys get older, so am I.

So, while Riley’s early morning appearance was unfortunate, it was also adorable.  It was the first time he ever got out of his bed and wandered into our room on his own in the dark.  I scooped him up and asked him if he wanted to lie down with Mommy and Daddy.  He said yes, but within seconds he reminded us that what he really wanted was his milk.

I have something to tell you.  The night shift just got more complicated in my house.  But it’s okay, because it’s a sign that my babies are still babies and that there’s still a chance I might get carded at the liquor store. 

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Filed under anxiety, Anxious Mama, sleep

36 Hours (Part 2)

My 36 hour trip to Atlanta was like a series of vignettes.  I probably could’ve written 36 of them, but I settled on three…

“Side Effect”

In“36 Hours,” I wrote about how much anxiety I had about my anxiety.  I thought for sure after I had survived the flights to Atlanta and back, read a book, spent time with friends and had some precious time away from my darling children, the butterflies (to put it mildly) would disappear.  I was wrong.  I woke up on Monday morning to the same panic attack I’ve been waking up to for almost two weeks.   If the anxiety was about whether to buy a free-range or kosher turkey for Thanksgiving or whether to serve chicken nuggets or macaroni & cheese at Dylan’s birthday party, I was in serious trouble.  I decided to call my doctor to see if, perhaps, I should be committed.

At my annual check-up a few weeks ago, my doctor gave me medication to help with my anxiety and insomnia.  As it turns out, one of the less common side effects of the medication is intensification of anxiety.  This was frustrating to find out, but I wasn’t so annoyed that I couldn’t appreciate the irony that my anxiety meds were giving me panic attacks.  At least it wasn’t the turkey that was making me nuts.

“Girls Gone Wild”

I’ve known the two friends I saw in Atlanta since college, which, amazingly, was 18 years ago.  Back then we were kinda wild.  Now our lives just feel wild.  We spent all of Saturday afternoon catching up and talking about marriage and divorce, husbands and ex-husbands, kids and career, disease, death, and anxiety (that one was all mine).

We consumed a decent amount of leftover Halloween candy and a lot of wine in the process, and we end up eating a late dinner of drinks and random appetizers, including roasted beets and goat cheese, crab dip and bread, mussels, and the saltiest, parmesan-cheesiest, yummiest french fries I’ve ever had.   I fell asleep in the car on the way home and woke up the next morning with a headache and an upset stomach.  It was a great night, but eighteen years after college, wild takes on a whole new meaning.

 “36 Hour Friends”

In talking about her divorce support group, one of my friends said, “If you put everyone’s problems in that room on a table, I’d still choose mine.”  These are very wise words from a very Smart Mama.  I hope I can remember them the next time I feel overwhelmed.

I wish I lived closer to these life-long friends.  I wish we talked more often.  I wish we saw each other more often.  I wish our kids could play together.  I wish we weren’t getting older.  I wish we were still engrossed with our futures rather than fixated on the decisions we’ve already made.   I wish we could behappier, healthier and more in love with ourselves.  I wish beets were easier to digest.  I wish my anxiety medication weren’t making me crazy.  I wish we could’ve spent more than 36 hours together, but I wouldn’t choose anything else on the table because I have the best 36 hour friends on the planet.

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Filed under anxiety, friendship, travel