Category Archives: Guilty Mama

November 7, 2011 · 4:19 pm

Daily Dose of Gratitude

I’ve been thinking a lot about the article I posted on my Runaway Mama Facebook Page called “The Neuroscience of Why Gratitude Makes Us Healthier.” 

On Saturday afternoon, I asked Dylan to bring his lunch plate, which was sitting on the arm of the couch (his preferred dining location), to the kitchen.  He said, “No, I don’t want to do my chores.”  I said, “Dylan, I’m not asking you to vacuum the floors or clean the toilets (although I should).  I’m just asking you to bring one plate to the kitchen.  Don’t you want to earn rewards?”  He said, “I don’t want to earn anything.”  I said, “So, you don’t want new toys?”  He said, “I want new toys and I want them without earning them.  For my birthday, Hanukkah and Christmas you will just give me toys.”

Oh.

In my house, I talk a lot about being healthy and strong.  We eat (or aspire to eat) fruit and vegetables because healthy food makes us healthy and strong.  We go for walks and bike rides because exercise makes us healthy and strong.  We take baths, brush our teeth, and go to the doctor to stay healthy and strong. You get the idea.  Well, I’ve realized there’s something missing from my healthy and strong platform.  Gratitude.

The abovementioned article talks about how gratitude makes people healthier and happier.  One study showed that people who focused on things they were grateful for felt better about their lives as a whole than people who focused on things that were a hassle or displeased them.  Another study found that keeping a daily gratitude journal lead to a greater increase in goodwill toward others.  Yet another study found that depression was correlated to gratitude.  The more grateful a person is, the less depressed they are.

Wow.  It sounds like a daily dose of gratitude is as important as brushing teeth or taking a calcium supplement (which I always forget to do!).  I used to keep a daily gratitude journal.  Interestingly, I fell out of the habit when I became a mother, which is when gratitude became more important than ever before.  I’ve written before about wanting to instill gratitude in my kids, especially when it comes to material consumption. Based on the recent conversation I had with my mini-shopaholic about his master plan to get without giving, I think now is a good time to get back on the horse.   

I’m going to start a new daily gratitude journal.  This time, though, I’m going to make it a family journal and have the boys write about something they’re grateful for each day, too. It will be my own little research study (I was a sociology major in college) to see if I can make giving more important than, or at least equal to, receiving for them.  Dylan will no doubt ask why we’re doing it, and I’ll say, “because gratitude makes us healthy and strong.”

I’ll share the results of my groundbreaking family gratitude research right here, so stay tuned.  In the meantime, my first hypothesis as Sociology Mama is that guilt is a lot easier to achieve than gratitude.  With that in mind, I’ve decided that today is Grateful (instead of Guilty) Mama Monday.   Today, I’m grateful for the happy and proud looks on my boys’ faces when Grandma Barbara and Grandpa Tom visited them at school for Grandparents Day.

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Filed under Grateful Mama, gratitude, Guilty Mama, Sociology Mama

October 10, 2011 · 5:25 pm

Knowing Is So Much Better Than Not Knowing

My friend’s son had chronic ear infections when he was a baby.  The build-up of fluid in his ears got so bad that the doctor recommended inserting tubes.  The day they brought him home from the procedure, he watched Elmo on television and laughed.  That was when my friend realized it was the first time he actually heard Elmo’s voice.  The infections had affected his hearing and she didn’t know.

My friend told me this story the day Dylan was diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder.  I was drowning in guilt (and tears) for not doing something sooner and she reminded me that it happens to all of us in some way or another.  A few weeks later, I still feel like the Guiltiest Mama that ever lived, but I’m also finally starting to realize that Dylan’s diagnosis is the best thing that ever happened to me as a parent.

Good parenting requires love, patience, understanding, and all that good stuff. It also requires an insane amount of confidence. You have to know exactly how you want to raise your children and then you have to go about the work of doing it every single day. Without wavering.  Without worrying about anyone else’s judgment.  And most importantly, without second-guessing yourself. 

Somewhere along the way with Dylan, I lost my confidence.  His fears and anxieties, panic attacks, and overly stubborn behaviors with food, clothing, and noise stumped me.  I didn’t know whether to push him or pull back.  Expose him or protect him. Hug him or punish him.  I didn’t know why he acted and felt the way he did – and here comes the confidence killer – I thought it must have been my parenting.  I thought it was my fault.  Now I know it’s not.  

We went to a birthday party at an indoor gym yesterday afternoon and if a group activity included big jumps or forward rolls, Dylan sat down with me.  There was a time when that situation would frustrate me and make me wonder why he wouldn’t try new (fun) things, why he didn’t want to do what his friends were doing, and now for the guiltiest thought of them all, why he wasn’t normal like the other kids.  Now I know, and let me tell you, knowing so much better than not knowing.

Now I know why he doesn’t like to be upside down, why long-sleeves, pants, and bounce houses cause panic, why Operation Chicken was destined to fail, why the sound of lawn mowers and owls hooting made him afraid of his own backyard, and why his teacher asked if he had a hearing problem.  Now I know.

Ear tubes fixed my friend’s son, and OT will fix Dylan, too.  Some of his most unique attributes, like his emotional intensity and charming absent-minded professor-like way, are partly a result of his sensory issues.  But I’m not worried about the therapy taking any of that specialness away.  When Dylan woke up yesterday morning and I told him we were going to the birthday party, he looked at me with his big, bright morning eyes and said, “Wait a second, Mommy, am I going to turn five last?”  I said, “No, you won’t be last.  Sophia’s birthday is after yours,” to which he replied,“Yes, Sophia’s birthday is in Maine.” I said, “Not Maine, sweetheart. May.”  He said, “No, Mommy, Sophia’s birthday is in Maine.” 

I know that specialness isn’t going anywhere. 

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Filed under confidence, Guilty Mama, sensory processing disorder