Category Archives: motherhood

March 4, 2012 · 2:32 pm

Priceless

Yesterday, I had the privilege of hearing two priceless conversations. The first one went something like this:

Dylan: “Riley, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Riley: “A firefighter!”

Dylan: “Riley, you don’t want to be a fire fighter.  If you’re a fire fighter, you have to go in fire, and if you go in fire you will get burned and you will get hurt.”

Riley: “Well…(long pause)…but…(long pause)…I’ll wear my seatbelt.”

That one happened in the car on the way to the mall.  I wrote it down immediately because I want to remember it forever.  I needed to return a belt at Macy’s and both boys insisted on coming with me.  This was not a mission on which I would typically encourage them to join me, but I was headed to the theater in the afternoon to see “Billy Elliot,” and I figured Mike would appreciate an hour to himself before I left him alone with the kids for the rest of the day.  Also, I knew the boys would love going up and down the “escavator” (escalator) at the mall.  (They did.)

The second conversation I heard was at the theater later that afternoon between Billy and the unnamed person interviewing him as part of his audition for the Royal Ballet School in London.  During the exchange onstage, Billy was asked, “What does it feel like when you’re dancing?”  His response was:

I can’t really explain it, I haven’t got the words

It’s a feeling that you can’t control

I suppose it’s like forgetting, losing who you are

And at the same time something makes you whole

As a (former) dancer, this response was perfection.  It described the indescribable sensation of dancing better than I’d ever heard before.  As I sat in the dark theater – nostalgic about my own experience as a dancer many years ago – it also occurred to me that it sounded a lot like what it feels like to be a mother.

That day had been a good great mommy day for me, and it wasn’t just because I spent the afternoon and early evening at the theater without my kids.  Even though the day started at 6:15 a.m. (thank you, Riley), there was no guilt, no yelling, no time-outs, no pee or poop accidents, no fights over food, and no desire to not come home from the theater (pardon the double negative). On the contrary, we survived – and enjoyed ourselves – at Costco, the mall and the “escavator” earlier in the day, and by the time the show was over and the post-theater drinks and dinner were consumed, I couldn’t wait to get home and quiz Dylan and Riley about every minute of their day that I missed.  I couldn’t wait to feel whole again.

I’m a Grateful Mama that I overheard my boys talk about their dreams as only three- and five-year-old brothers are capable of doing, that I had the chance to watch an inspirational story unfold about another little boy realizing his dream of being a dancer, and that I had the priceless opportunity to see how my own dreams, past (dance) and present (motherhood), made me feel the same – “…like forgetting, losing who you are, and at the same time something makes you whole.”

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Filed under conversations to remember, dreams, Grateful Mama, motherhood, theater

February 29, 2012 · 11:24 pm

We’re Okay

I opened a can of worms this week.  In my head.  I don’t want to close the can (or touch any worms, for that matter), but my mind is like a Cuisinart set on pulse, and I’ve been mixed up since Monday.

I spoke to a friend and life coach earlier this week about my blog and about my aspiration to write a book. We also talked about the beginning of my motherhood journey, which included some sad stuff, like miscarriage, molar pregnancy, and depression and wasn’t nearly as fun or funny as motherhood is now (with the exception of taking Dylan to the dentist).  I wasn’t writing much back then, so while I lived through it and got the help I needed to cope and move forward, I never processed the experience they way I do now through the blog. 

The Runaway Mama is how I make sense of my life, and it’s a reminder that I have a purpose beyond serving at the pleasure of my adorable and demanding children.  I know I complain about a lot of things, like potty training and the above mentioned dentist appointments, but I like to think I do so from the perspective of a Mama who once looked at an ultrasound screen in her OB/GYN’s office and saw snow in her uterus like on a television screen when the cable goes out.  Going back (in my mind and my heart) to write about the sad beginning of this extraordinary journey has unexpectedly –and hopefully temporarily – turned my head into a blender.

The boys don’t seem to notice my zombie state, although I did blow through a stop sign yesterday afternoon with Riley in the car.  Oops.  Luckily, there were no other cars – or police, for that matter – at the intersection.  Riley probably wouldn’t even have noticed if I hadn’t yelled, “Shit!”   Thankfully, he didn’t repeat what I said.  (Last weekend, after two poop accidents in less than 10 minutes, I blurted out “Jesus Christ!”  Just so you know, “Jesus Christ” coming from a toddler’s mouth is not as cute as you might think.)  But he did ask, “What happened, Mommy?”  I said, “Nothing, Sweetie.  Mommy drove through a stop sign but it’s okay.  We’re okay.”

On Monday, because I knew the Tuesday conversation was coming, I sat comatose in front of the television for 2 1/2 hours while the kids were at school.  That helped a little bit, but “Grey’s Anatomy” isn’t as good as it used to be.  Tuesday, I had my moving violation.  Today has been uneventful so far, although I almost missed my exit on the highway this morning, and tomorrow, I have to go to the gastroenterologist who’s probably going to schedule another colonoscopy for me because my hematologist (yes, I have a whole team of doctors who deal with my Crazy) thinks I should repeat it sooner than the prescribed five years since they found a pre-cancerous polyp in my very young colon.  The only good news there is that a colonoscopy on the calendar might take my mind off the other stuff consuming me.

On Friday – at the end of this nutty week – I’ll get to see my little Dylan be a King of Shabbat at school.  He’ll either sing the Shabbat songs with his classmates or he’ll fidget with his hands, tug on his shirt, and make funny faces because he’ll be too nervous to sing in front of so many people.   In either scenario, I know one thing for sure.  He’ll find me in the crowd of parents, teachers and students and flash me a smile that will remind me just how miraculous motherhood is and how fortunate I am to be on this journey that is uniquely mine.

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Filed under colonoscopy, Crazy Mama, cursing, molar pregnancy, motherhood