Recent events have inspired me to draft a Public Bathroom Manifesto. Don’t ask me for specifics because I’m in the middle of a delicate psychological process of erasing my memory of the entire experience.
To the Mama who changed her baby’s diaper at the changing station while my boys did their business, I have two things to say: (1) “I’m sorry.” Or, “Your welcome! Taking two curious little boys to the bathroom sure is funny! Glad we gave you a good laugh!” I have a feeling the former is more appropriate. (2) “Enjoy those poopy diapers, Mama. At least your baby isn’t touching the floor behind the toilet.”
I present to you, the Public Bathroom Manifesto.
PUBLIC BATHROOM MANIFESTO
Rule 1
Touch nothing.
Touch. Nothing.
Rule 2
Keep your private parts private.
Urinal etiquette withstanding, do not strip down and flash your junk until you are safely in a stall with the door closed and locked.
Rule 3
Do not unlock or open the stall door until every person has made his or her private parts private again.
This almost always happens when Mama is on the toilet.
Rule 4 (boys only)
If the toilet is taller than your private parts, sit. Or, for Pete’s sake, let your Mama lift you up a few inches.
Pointing your penis to the sky and hoping for the best is strategery at its worst.
Rule 5
Respect other people’s privacy.
Do not look for your Mama – who is having an unexpected and delightful moment of privacy – by getting on your hands and knees and peeking under every single stall until you find her.
Rule 6
Wash your hands. No really, wash your hands. WASH. YOUR. HANDS.
There is no excuse, including “I didn’t touch my penis,” that will ever make hand washing optional.