Category Archives: rules

Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face and other school rules.

Keeping it real here.

These are the first day of school pictures I showed off on social media this morning.

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Awww. Aren’t they so cute and getting so big and so happy to go back to school?

Sort of.

This was the first picture I took.

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The one of the left is good to go. A little bit nervous, but in his words, “a little bit excited.” The one on the right with the pout? Not so much. Nothing’s staged here. That pout is as authentic as my cleavage wrinkles. If anything, the picture with the smile was coerced. You know, Please smile for Mommy? Just once. C’mon, please? PLEASE!? Smile or I’ll make your life a living hell!

Yesterday, when we talked about the very exciting first day of school ahead as a way to alleviate his anxiety and nerves, he cried. With tears squirting like bullets from his eyes, he begged me to homeschool him. I’m not sure he knows what homeschooling is, but I sure do, and I squirted tears just thinking about the calamity that would result from me trying to teach him anything from home.

“You know that homeschooling doesn’t involve Minecraft, right?” I said.

He was quiet after that, and this morning he walked solemnly into school like a soldier off to war. Like a dead man walking. There were no tears. There was no, “I love you, Mommy.” There was no kiss or hug. (I tried but he pushed me away.) He surrendered to his fate. First grade wasn’t a choice. It was his doom.

This was also one of our photo shoot outtakes.

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There’s this dude on YouTube who makes his Minecraft characters shake their booties and sing, “I put my booty in your face, I put my booty in your face!” It’s as annoying as it sounds. While the rest of the civilized world spent the summer perfecting their “whip” and “nae nae,” my boys were busy shaking their booties in anyone’s face they could find, which was mostly mine. Now that school is upon us and our summer bubble has (finally for the love of all that is holy) burst, I’m a little bit nervous that they might put their booties in the wrong place, like in front the school librarian, which reminded me to review some basic school rules over breakfast.

  1. Have fun!
  2. Keep an open mind.
  3. Be kind.
  4. Be scared. When you feel scared, it means you’re doing something brave. Own it.
  5. If you fart, say excuse me.
  6. Be a good listener.
  7. Don’t talk when your teacher is talking.
  8. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, including “Where is the bathroom?”
  9. GO TO THE BATHROOM IF YOU NEED TO!
  10. Don’t fear the girls. I’m a girl! Girls are awesome! That, and they usually take better notes and can tell you what you missed when you were putting your booty in someone’s face.
  11. Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face.

I haven’t received a phone call from school, so I think they’re following the rules.

What would you add to the list?

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Filed under boys, rules, school

New School Rules

On the eve of my boys’ first day of school last year, I gave them a bathtime tutorial on School Rules.  I made it up as I went along, as I do with most teachable moments, and I’d say I pretty much nailed it since I didn’t end up answering questions about how babies are made, what happens after we die, or why bad people kill good people with guns.

A year later, a few inches taller, a few pounds heavier, and a few teeth less (I’m talking about the kids here), I’ve realized there’s legitimacy to the saying, The more things change, the more they stay the same.  In other words, some school rules – be nice, be a good friend, be a good listener, bah blah blah – are timeless and always useful.  On the contrary, other school rules are timely.  For example, one of last year’s rules – Don’t try to get your teacher’s attention by tapping her boobs – was relevant at the time (actually, it’s still applicable), but I hope it will become less and less necessary, or less and less useful, as my young and impressionable (and gross) little boys mature.  (That will happen, right?)

After spending oodles and oodles (and oodles and oodles) (and oodles and bleeping oodles) of carefree and unstructured time with my boys over the last several weeks of summer, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of new and, God willing, temporary school rules:

  • Whistling is a wonderful talent and an impressive skill, but you musn’t whistle while you work.  Not at school.  It will drive your teacher and classmates bananas.  Save it for recess.  Better yet, save it for when you’re in the bathroom all by yourself.  Speaking of which…
  • The only place where it’s appropriate to pee is indoors (i.e. not on a tree on the playground).  In the toilet (i.e. not on the floor around the toilet).  With the door closed (i.e. without an audience).  As long as we’re talking about pee…
  • Knock knock jokes that end with “pee,” “poopy pants,” or “underwear” are only funny to you.  As long as we’re talking about underwear…
  • Private parts are private.  (Seriously.)
  • Showing your middle finger is not an appropriate method of communication.
  • Don’t ask your teacher if she has a penis.  She’s a girl just like me, and I’m assuming she doesn’t have one.  (Don’t ask me why I’m assuming this.)  While we’re on the subject, yes, she can still pee even though she doesn’t have a penis.  Don’t ask her about it.
  • Don’t talk about your testicles.  I take great pride in having taught you the anatomically correct names of all of your body parts, but there is a time and place, buddy.

Editor’s note: These next three rules could also be condensed into one rule that goes something like this: “Don’t speak.  Ever.”

  • It’s not nice to call someone penis-breath or say, “What are you looking at, butthead?”  Yes, you learned these regrettable but fun to repeat one-liners from movies that Daddy and I chose for us to watch on family movie nights (“E.T.” and “Back To The Future”), but we both know that if someone called you penis-breath, you’d cry like a baby.
  • At lunch, don’t ask your teacher for a beer.  Or a glass of wine, for that matter.  Yes, Daddy and I drink these alcoholic beverages at home occasionally a lot, but we’re adults and we can make those choices for ourselves.  Someday, when you’re all grown up and it hits you that you don’t understand your child’s first grade math homework, you’ll probably want need a stiff drink, too.
  • As long as we’re on the topic of drugs and alcohol and making grownup choices, don’t ask your friends if they want to smoke cigarettes.  It’s not funny, and saying it makes Daddy and me look like assholes (don’t say that word either), so cut it out for real life.  Ever since you unveiled this zinger to us at dinner a few weeks ago (and after the smelling salts jolted me from unconsciousness and I regained the ability to breathe, blink and speak), I’ve explained to you on a daily basis (because you bring it up every single day) that smoking cigarettes is very, very unhealthy and a very, very bad choice to make.
  • Last but not least… Have fun!  This school thing isn’t a passing fad.  You’ll be doing it for the next fifteen years or so (that is, if we can afford to send you to college), so make it work.  Just don’t whistle a happy tune about it.

That’s all folks!

Feel free to add additional new school rules in the comments.

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Filed under advice, boys, rules, school

Public Bathroom Manifesto

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Recent events have inspired me to draft a Public Bathroom Manifesto. Don’t ask me for specifics because I’m in the middle of a delicate psychological process of erasing my memory of the entire experience.

To the Mama who changed her baby’s diaper at the changing station while my boys did their business, I have two things to say: (1) “I’m sorry.” Or, “Your welcome! Taking two curious little boys to the bathroom sure is funny! Glad we gave you a good laugh!” I have a feeling the former is more appropriate. (2) “Enjoy those poopy diapers, Mama. At least your baby isn’t touching the floor behind the toilet.”

I present to you, the Public Bathroom Manifesto.

PUBLIC BATHROOM MANIFESTO

Rule 1

Touch nothing.

Touch. Nothing.

Rule 2

Keep your private parts private.

Urinal etiquette withstanding, do not strip down and flash your junk until you are safely in a stall with the door closed and locked.  

Rule 3

Do not unlock or open the stall door until every person has made his or her private parts private again.

This almost always happens when Mama is on the toilet.

Rule 4 (boys only)

If the toilet is taller than your private parts, sit.  Or, for Pete’s sake, let your Mama lift you up a few inches.

Pointing your penis to the sky and hoping for the best is strategery at its worst.

Rule 5

Respect other people’s privacy.

Do not look for your Mama – who is having an unexpected and delightful moment of privacy – by getting on your hands and knees and peeking under every single stall until you find her.  

Rule 6

Wash your hands.  No really, wash your hands.  WASH. YOUR. HANDS.

There is no excuse, including “I didn’t touch my penis,” that will ever make hand washing optional.

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Filed under public bathrooms, rules