The Runaway Mama by Jen Gregory

A Mama waves five one dollar bills in front of her money-obsessed three-year-old and tells him she will pay him a dollar for each night that he sleeps in his bed.  (At this point, the Mama would give him one of her kidneys for the pleasure of sleeping a night without his heavy breathing, tossing and turning, extreme cuddling, kicking, random arm slapping, and sleep talking.)  After five days, the Mama has three dollars left.  How many nights did her three-year-old sleep in his bed?

Zero.   I tricked you.  Riley hasn’t slept in his bed in more than five days.  I gave a few of the dollars to Dylan to reinforce how proud I am of him for sleeping in his bed every night.  I’ve also been thinking a lot about an article I once read about how it’s natural to occasionally prefer one child over the other.

A Mama takes her dog to the vet and pays $147 for an examination and medicine.  She decides that he – with his occasional but astrologically expensive vet visits plus his $15.99 Milo’s Kitchen chicken grillers habit and his insistence that fresh ground meat be sprinkled on his dog food – is her most expensive “child.”  After returning home from the vet, the Mama goes to the grocery store to stock up on $4.39 per jug strawberry Kefir for her Kefir-addicted three-year-old.  He’s pretty expensive, too, she realizes.  Later in the day, she receives her five-year-old’s Kindergarten school supply list, which is a multi-page document that includes 32 separate items most of which need to be purchased in multiples (many multiples).  After catching her breath and remembering the four embroidered uniform shirts, six pairs of uniform shorts, and two pairs of uniform pants she already purchased for him for school, she concludes that he is the winner.

There’s no math to calculate here.  This is just another reminder that kids (and pets) are money pits.

Two Transformers walk into a restaurant.  A while later, two Transformers walk out of the restaurant but only one has a head.  How many heads are missing requiring someone (Mama) to go back inside the restaurant to look for it at their table where a lovely party of six has already been seated and served drinks and appetizers.  Bonus question:  How many iPhone flashlight apps are required to successfully find the Transformer head under the table?

One head, three iPhone flashlight apps, and one lovely family with a sense of humor and the wisdom to know that if I didn’t walk back to my car triumphantly with Starscream’s head, it was going to be a rough ride home.

A Mama vows to pack light for her weeklong trip to San Francisco.  With less than 24 hours to go, she’s still considering three pairs of jeans, four black tops, three sweaters, one jacket, two dresses, three bags, and (gulp) six pairs of shoes.  (She likes to have choices.)  She intends to fit all of this plus her husband’s clothing and shoes into one suitcase to avoid paying for more than two checked bags at the airport (her children are sharing a second suitcase.)  How many glasses of wine will be required for this Mama to calm down, breathe deep and channel her inner Simple Mama, remember that if she leaves some room in her suitcase, she can channel her inner Shopaholic Mama in San Francisco, and realize that, if necessary, she can pilfer some space from her boys’ bag.

Two glasses should do it.