May 27, 2011 · 3:43 pm

Thank You, Oprah

My sister-in-law, Heather, had surgery yesterday to remove a mass from one of her ovaries.  Going into the surgery, we didn’t know if it was benign or malignant, or if they would have to remove one ovary or perform a full hysterectomy.  It was an exhausting day that had some missteps – her surgeon was called to an emergency at another hospital and her surgery was delayed several times – and, thankfully, some humor – I accidentally went to the wrong hospital and was helplessly lost for over an hour before I realized I was in the wrong place.  Oops.

I’m happy to report the surgery went well.  It was the longest two hours I can remember, but the news was very good.   They only had to remove one ovary and the growth was benign.  I’ve known about all of this for several weeks but chose not to write about it until now.  Partly, it was because it was her ovary and her story, not mine.  But also, it was because whenever I thought about writing something, I felt an intense urge to curl up into a ball and watch “Bridget Jones’s Diary” on a continuous loop.

I have a unique ability to imagine terrifying medical scenarios, especially for myself.  Remember my colonoscopy?  I can definitely be a whole lotta crazy, but it’s fear more than pessimism.  At my core, I’m an optimist.  Yesterday, in the hospital cafeteria, I told my mother-in-law I couldn’t see the doctor coming out of surgery and telling us it was ovarian cancer.  I was literally unable to imagine the scenario playing out in my head.  I was either in denial or it just wasn’t going to happen.

On the phone last night, I said to my mother-in-law, “We dodged a bullet, didn’t we?”  I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth because dodging a bullet feels lucky, and luck is something for which you can’t really take any credit.  Whatever was growing inside Heather’s body was out of our control, but on the outside, we had a choice – to swarm or dance.  (Are you sick of that one yet?  Sorry.)  We chose to dance.  We put all of our energy into love, hope and even some laughter (ending up at the wrong hospital helped).  The outcome of Heather’s surgery wasn’t just luck.  It was a lesson, too.

In the afternoon, I had a half hour to kill before picking up the boys at school, so I watched the first few minutes of Oprah’s final show on the DVR (I missed watching it on Wednesday).   She spoke of how all life is energy and you get what you give, and she said something incredible:

“You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you’re responsible for the energy you bring to others.”

How true!  I’ve experienced this energy force many times in my life – when I danced on stage, when I healed from my molar pregnancy and when I gave birth to my two boys.  I felt it yesterday, too.  I wish none of this ever happened, and I’m beyond grateful about the outcome, but I’m also thankful for the reminder that energy matters.  Thank you, Oprah.

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Filed under cancer, colonoscopy, energy, gratitude, luck, molar pregnancy, Oprah

May 24, 2011 · 3:07 pm

The Spectrum

A good friend called me the other night and told me she was sad at her son’s 2nd birthday party.  She felt like everyone but her got the chance to hold or play with him at the party.  In classic Guilty Mama fashion, the conversation quickly leaped to her saying she feels like she works too much and doesn’t spend enough time with her kids.  And here comes the zinger, she’s afraid she’s failing them. 

It broke my heart to hear her say these things when I know for a fact both of her children are so loved. The conversation reminded me of “Kaleidoscope Hearts,” the guest blog I wrote for Casa Valentina.  In my mind, the fact that she feels such guilt over her kids makes her a good mother.  But that’s easier said than felt.

She’s a Caught In The Middle Mama.  That means she works a lot but also wants to spend as much time as possible with her kids.  She’s in the middle of a spectrum that on either end sits the Working Mama or the Stay At Home Mama.  What do they have in common?  They all feel guilty** (see Editor’s Note below).

Stay At Home Mamas are with their kids a lot.  They feel guilty because instead of having fun with their kids, they feel stuck with them.  They wish they had help or could click their heels and suddenly be alone reading a book by a pool, and that makes them feel guilty, too.  Look at me.  I think about strangling my kids with dental floss or dropping them off in a basket at the local fire station.  I’m horrible!  If something bad ever happened to Dylan or Riley, I’m certain after reading my blog, the police would make me a suspect.

Working Mamas feel guilty for not being with their kids enough.  They often go to sleep wondering if they would feel less guilt if they just stayed home.  They wouldn’t.  See previous paragraph.  They’d feel the “my kids drive me insane” guilt on top of the “I can’t believe I left my career” guilt.

Caught In The Middle Mamas have it the worst.  They end up taking their kids to work with them or working at home from a laptop on the kitchen counter while doing puzzles, watching “Dora The Explorer” and fetching snacks.  We all know nothing productive happens in either of those scenarios.   They feel guilty when they’re home (and not working) and when they’re at work (and not spending time with their kids).  Going all the way in one direction or another brings on the guilt mentioned in the previous two paragraphs, and in the end, they stay put and feel guilty about that.  I was a Caught In The Middle Mama until a few years ago.  Look at me now!  Still drowning in guilt and quite possibly wanted for murder.

So where do we go from here?  Out for a drink.  Seriously.  It’s oddly comforting to know no matter how awful you feel, there’s another Mama out there who’s had a bad day, too.  Mamas’ nights out should receive government funding, bar tabs should be tax deductible and transportation should be provided free of charge.

Note to self:  Research grant opportunities.

Beyond that, we need acceptance. I might feel bad about wanting to throw my kids out the window of a moving car, but it makes for a good blog post, right? My guilt feeds my creativity.  (The police would love that one!)  The friend I mentioned earlier told me her guilt drives her to be a better mom.  (My guilt drives me to my jug of Pinot Grigio in the fridge, but who am I do argue with her on that one.)  Above all else, we need to be proud of our journeys – wherever they lie on the spectrum – and know our experiences, including the guilt, make us smarter, stronger and more interesting women and really good Mamas.

**Editor’s note:  I’m sure there are Mamas out there who feel none of the guilt I’ve described, but I’ve never met one.

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Filed under guilt, Guilty Mama, motherhood