Testimony

Since the summer is about half over (and there are less than six months until Christmas), I thought it would be a good time to evaluate my summer goals.  After careful deliberation and on the advice of my legal counsel*, I’m invoking my Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate myself, especially as it pertains to #1 Keep the garden alive, #3 Make a scrapbook of Dylan’s preschool years, and #5 Paint my bedroom walls.

In my defense, I’ve read one chapter book to Dylan.   Captain Underpants has become an unlikely (and strange) hero in our house.  I’ve lounged in the pool at least once, and I actually finished a book (“Bossypants”).  By the way, Tina Fey is my new hero.  I don’t have a Vitamix 5200 yet, but a girl can dream.  (And it’s practically Christmas!)  In the meantime, I’m eating tons of kale…and the boys aren’t.   Finally, I’ve successfully avoided hurricanes so far, but I can’t take any of the credit.  As a Mama, I can control a lot of things (wait, can I?), but not the weather.

* I don’t actually have legal counsel.  If I did, I’d have a proper will and a plan for the guardianship of my children** should Mike and I simultaneously combust.  I’d also cleverly trademark The Runaway Mama so the brand wouldn’t end up on wine bottles, sneakers, or cruise and hotel packages without my permission (or profit).  And because postnuptial agreements are so hip these days, I’d also have my legal counsel draft one of those.  It would stipulate a maximum number of loads of laundry that I’d be required to wash, dry, fold (ugh!), and put away (the worst!) within a seven day period before someone would have to take over until the next seven day period began.  It would also specify that I’d receive compensation for every pair of socks I picked up off the floor that weren’t mine (they’re never mine) and for every single “tattle” I was needlessly told by either of the children.  It would also instruct that no one was allowed in the bathroom with me if I made a specific hand gesture (raising one finger…the one in the middle).

** I know, I really need to take care of this.

How are you doing on your summer goals?  Have you started your holiday shopping yet?