Yesterday, I had my colonoscopy, and I’m happy to report that while it wasn’t even remotely pleasant, it wasn’t nearly as hideous as the first one. That, and it’s over. The prep wasn’t as cruel this time (Editor’s note: Colonoscopy Mama’s two cents: if you need a colonoscopy, ask for the split-prep), the hospital staff was excellent (and generous with the drugs), my doctor wasn’t running four hours late, and, best of all, my colon was clear. Actually, compared to the first one, this one was pretty darn great, which is why the title of today’s list is: “Top 12 Reasons Why Colonoscopies Are So Awesome!”
Top 12 Reasons Why Colonoscopies Are So Awesome!
1. Poop talk is medically appropriate and puns are easy to come by. “I really need to get my shit together.” Ha! “Holy crap!” Ha!
2. People are compassionate (or merciless).
Me (to Dylan and Riley): “Hey guys, I need to tell you something. I have to have a test done on Tuesday morning, and before I do it, I have to drink some yucky medicine that’s going to make me not feel good and poop a lot.”
Dylan (with his hand covering his mouth): “Oh my God! That’s crazy! I’m never going to take that medicine! Don’t you ever give me that medicine! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
Me (to myself): Wait ‘til you turn 40, kid.
3. You can eat a big slice of the cake you just baked as a result of pre-colonoscopy anxiety. You know, the recipe that included four sticks of butter. And you don’t have to feel an ounce of guilt about it. It’s going to come out anyway! (See #1.)
4. You can leave a room or end a conversation any time you want. When you gotta go, you gotta go! (See #1.)
5. You’ll lose five pounds overnight. Results guaranteed!
6. You get a night off from parenting, including, but not limited to, pleading with your five-year-old to listen to the directions before plowing through his homework, acting like a short order cook to please everyone’s picky palate at dinner, and negotiating with a terrorist your three-year-old at bedtime to sleep in his own bed.
7. You get drugs! I asked for and received a healthy dose of Valium as soon as the IV was inserted.
Colonoscopy Mama’s two cents: If you need a colonoscopy, don’t be shy about asking for something to calm your nerves. By the time you finish a long night of prep, you’ll be exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, your doctor might run late, and you’ll have nothing but time on your hands to imagine the camera they’re going to stick up you’re ass. Ask about the hospital’s procedures, and if they don’t offer pre-op happy medicine, find a facility that does. Just sayin.’
8. After it’s all done, you can spend the rest of the day lounging in bed watching crappy (pun intended) romantic comedies on Netflix while munching on Boom Chicka Pop popcorn.
9. You’ll be a proud Mama when you find out your kids told everyone they encountered throughout the day, including their teachers, friends, fellow Mamas and the receptionist at speech therapy that “Mommy is at home taking yucky medicine that makes her poop.” Now that’s Awesome with a capital “A”!
10. You get perspective. After explaining to the boys that they had to wake up early the next morning to take me to the hospital, Dylan said, “The hospital! Are you going to die?” Oy. There’s nothing pleasant about a colonoscopy, but they don’t cause death. In fact, they save lives. (Thanks for the reality check, Dylan.)
11. You get a fresh start! A clean slate! A second chance! Like Dr. Kepner’s revirginizing on Grey’s Anatomy, you can redietize! Yes, I made that word up! After the procedure, your digestive tract will be completely empty, and you can refill it any way you choose. How about going vegan or gluten free? Or, how about a raw food diet or that Paleo diet everyone’s blabbing about? I had big plans (huge!) to redietize until I got in the car after being released from the hospital and realized how freaking hungry I was after not eating for 36 hours. I ended up inhaling a bag of orange, processed goldfish crackers that I snagged from the boys’ snack basket in the back seat. Oh well. Maybe I’ll redietize next time.
12. If you’re fortunate, you’ll experience the relief and satisfaction of knowing your colon is polyp-free and your next colonoscopy is five long years away. Woop woop!
Seriously, folks. If your doctor tells you to get a colonoscopy, then get one. If I can do it, anyone can.