Why I (Mostly) Hate Minecraft

Minecraft has become a thing in my house. By thing, I mean it has captured the hearts and minds of my young and impressionable boys. By captured, I mean it has robbed them of their souls. By robbed, I mean I have googled “Minecraft rehab.”

To give you better sense of the seriousness of this addiction, I haven’t seen the boys’ BFF, Evan, from EvanTubeHD, in several days. It’s reminiscent of the Great Break Up of 2011 (when Dylan announced he no longer liked Cars and immediately began a rebound relationship with Toy Story) and as serious as the time I didn’t go shopping for 30 days. (New readers: That actually happened. Once.)

I’m an optimist (mostly), so I like to think of Minecraft as leverage – as in “Finish your spelling sentences or Minecraft will disappear forever” – but the distraught look on their faces when make I this idle threat (5-7 times per day) is, frankly, concerning.

In honor of this insidious videogame that the boys can’t imagine living without and I can’t imagine living with much longer, here’s a list of all of the times when I want to flip Minecraft the bird…and when I don’t.

I hate Minecraft…

1. When it’s time to eat breakfast before school.
2. When I ask, “What do you want for breakfast?”
3. When I ask, “What do you want for breakfast?”
4. When I ask, “What do you want for breakfast or THERE WILL BE NO BREAKFAST!”
5. When it’s time to get dressed for school.
6. When it’s time to get dressed RIGHT NOW for school.
7. When it’s time to brush teeth before school.
8. When it’s time to tie shoes before school.
9. When they and their sticky fingers beg for my iPhone in the car on the way to school.
10. When they and their dirty, germy, sticky fingers beg for my iPhone in the car on the way home from school.
11. When I ask, “How was your day at school?”
12. When I say, “Tell me about something you learned at school today.”
13. When I beg, “Tell me something – anything – about your day at school.”
14. When it’s time for math homework.
15. When it’s time for spelling homework.
16. When it’s time for 20 minutes of reading.
17. When “You’ve only been reading for three minutes!”
18. When it’s time to clean up the toys.
19. When they’re watching YouTube videos of people they don’t know playing Minecraft.
20. When I need help lifting, moving, opening, closing, folding, wiping, sweeping, washing, mixing, or organizing anything.
21. When it’s time to get dressed for hockey.
22. When it’s time for dinner.
23. When it’s time for dinner RIGHT NOW.
24. When it’s time to take a bath or shower.
25. When it’s time to play with the dog.
26. When it’s time to brush teeth before bed.
27. When it’s time to get into bed.
28. When it’s time to turn out the lights.
29. When I say, “I love you. Sweet dreams,” and I hear crickets. Oh wait, that’s Minecraft “tutorial” music.
30. When it’s time to go to sleep.
31. When it’s time to go to sleep!
32. When it’s time to GOTOSLEEP!

I love Minecraft…

1.  When we’re in the car.

 That’s it.

When we’re in the car, and they’re playing Minecraft on their tablets in the backseat and the only sound I hear is…wait, I don’t hear anything except the radio or my voice or my thoughts…and I wonder Are they asleep? and no one is fighting, whining, crying or asking me for a snack, and no one is opening and closing the window over and over again, and no one is kicking my seat, and no one is demanding, “Open this!” or “Take my trash!” as I merge onto a five-lane highway, I realize I don’t want to live in a world without Minecraft either.