Category Archives: anxiety

October 15, 2012 · 1:37 pm

Sometimes You Lose, Sometimes You Gain

About a year ago, I experienced a heavier than usual dose of anxiety.  It was mostly due to Dylan’s sensory processing disorder diagnosis, the guilt that engulfed me, and the chaotic schedule of therapy sessions that came after.  My world felt like it was spinning out of control, and I’m the kind of Mama who likes to feel in control, which is no easy task even on a good day!  I coped with it all by losing weight.  This was not intentional, mind you.  Some people eat when they’re stressed, some people don’t.  Historically, I’m more inclined to snack under duress, but last fall, my body had its own agenda.

I probably lost about eight pounds over the course of three months.  For a person who’d been trying to lose the last five pounds of baby weight since early 2007, it was kind of awesome…except when I thought about it for more than like a minute and surmised that I must’ve been dying from some kind of rare cancer.  You see, the whole “lose weight without even trying!” thing isn’t really my style.  No, if I want to lose weight, I have to put forth a Herculean effort, and I wasn’t trying at all, which only served to reinforce my tumor theory, make my anxiety worse, and keep the pounds coming off.

Until it stopped.  (Lose or gain, it always stops.)

There was good news and bad news.  The bad news was that slowly but surely, the weight came back.  (“Hello, five pounds.  So nice to see you again,” said no one.)  Dylan’s progress in therapy was miraculous, the therapy routine developed a rhythm, and even though my anxiety didn’t disappear completely (that will never happen), it loosened its grip.  The good news was that, as it turns out, I wasn’t wasting away due to some horrible disease.

Speaking of which, the inspiration for this blog post came because I’m feeling a lot of anxiety over the fact that one week from today – while you’re indulging in delicacies like caffeine, alcohol, and solid food – I’ll be prepping for my second colonoscopy.  (“Yeah!” said no one again.  )

Editor’s note:  If you’re new to the blog, you can catch-up on my colonoscopy adventures here and here and here.  Unless you don’t want to, which is fine if you’re easily grossed out, but not fine if you’re avoiding taking care of your own health.)

Do you remember when I saw my gastroenterologist back in March, and I told you the story of how he remembered me because of the big-ass polyp he pulled out of my colon?  (I made quite an impression!)  I was supposed to have my follow-up colonoscopy this past August, but I got mired down in Dylan’s food therapy schedule.  When we ended the program, I had no excuse not to call and schedule the procedure.

So, Tuesday, October 23rd is the big day.  How have I been handling my anxiety this time around?   I’ve been cooking and baking.  (And eating.)  Last week, I baked chocolate chip cookies.  Twice.  I also cooked panko crusted tilapia fillets for the boys one night (Riley loved it, Dylan ran away) and a delicious pasta dish with kale, white beans, and ricotta cheese for Mike another night.  Over the weekend, I made chocolate pumpkin brownie bars from scratch.  I even roasted a whole pumpkin for the recipe instead of using a can!  For Sunday dinner, I made pan seared salmon, roasted root vegetables, and farro sautéed with garlic and mushrooms for the whole family, and tonight, Dylan and I are making macaroni and cheese from scratch.  What’s next?   I’m prepping for baking a cake for my father-in-law’s birthday this weekend.

With my family history of colon cancer and my very own colon that appears to have a special knack for growing polyps, I have no choice but to be vigilant with my medical care.  I just hope the end result of all this anxiety-induced cooking and baking (and gaining) is a clean colon so I can focus my anxiety elsewhere, like on losing five pounds before my 10th anniversary getaway with Mike in December.

Sometimes you lose, sometimes you gain.

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Filed under anxiety, Anxious Mama, cancer, colonoscopy, health, Uncategorized, weight

August 30, 2012 · 1:31 pm

Trying

A few weeks ago, I took Riley to the doctor because he snores like a troll, always has a stuffy nose, speaks as nasal as anyone I’ve ever met, and is a horrible morning person.  He’s also failed a basic hearing test in his left ear twice in less than six months.  After a thorough examination, the doctor agreed that his adenoids might be the culprit.  We were given a nasal spray, a prescription for blood work to check for allergies, and a referral for a pediatric ENT.  For most people, this would have been good news.  A step in the right direction!  Solutions!  Not me.  I felt the burden of something being wrong rather than the relief of questions being answered.

I promised myself that when Dylan finally wore pants or a long sleeved shirt I would throw a party.  Or hire a sky writer!  Instead of celebrating the incredible victory, I immediately set my sights on the next challenges – food and bounce houses.  I couldn’t enjoy the moment because I had so many more things to worry about.

On Monday, day six of food therapy, when we transitioned from green light (easy) to yellow light (hard) foods, I found it easy to be pessimistic about Dylan gobbling up a grilled cheese sandwich, a food that I haven’t been able to get him to eat at home in more than a year.  There was no victory lap for me – only a cynical feeling that he succumbed because the alternative, a piece of chicken, was far too difficult a proposition.

On day seven, I was in my element.  After two hours of crying, hiding, and failed manipulations, Dylan failed to eat a single bite of his dinner choices.  Our therapist left the house with a big, fat zero in her “percentage of bites taken” column.  Oh, how I reveled in the anger, frustration, and guilt!  The crying and the second-guessing came so easy!

Yesterday, in a moment of clarity (or mad desperation), Dylan declared that he would eat celery during his dinner session.  To say that I was surprised would be an understatement.  It was an odd (and green and fibrous) choice for child who’s never eaten a vegetable in his life that wasn’t hidden in macaroni and cheese.  The only point of reference I could think of, besides a few occasions where we’d served celery with some kind of dip at home, was the “Wonder Pets,” and if I had them to thank for Dylan’s inspiration then it wouldn’t be the first time I’d expressed my gratitude to Linny, Tuck, and Ming-Ming.  Suspicion crept over me, but we stopped at the grocery store and bought a head of celery anyway.

Are you wondering what happened next?  Are you sitting down?  He ate the celery.  It was really hard for him to do, but he swallowed his fear and, by golly, he swallowed some celery.  Speechless.  Shocked.  Flabbergasted.  These are pretty good word to describe how I felt.  I praised him and went through all of the motions a proud parent would do after witnessing such bravery and achievement, but I didn’t feel the way I thought I would feel the moment ate “new food.”  Instead of feeling happy and relieved, I felt confused and duped.  I wanted so badly to believe that celery was the hammer that would finally knock down the wall, but I didn’t.  Of course not!  My strength lies in wallowing in anxiety and doubt rather than basking in the wonder, albeit odd, of Dylan eating celery.  Celery, for Pete’s sake!  One of my rules, which were published at Voices of Sensory Processing Disorder a few weeks ago, is to savor the victories, especially the small ones.  Believe me, I’m trying.

Do you ever find it easier to be sad than happy, pessimistic than optimistic, or worried than relieved?

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Filed under anxiety, food issues, sensory processing disorder