October 13, 2017 · 6:03 pm

18 Reasons the Tooth Fairy Was a No-Show

The Tooth Fairy was recently a no-show in my house. Sheesh! Is there anyone we can depend on these days? What a lazy, unreliable, no good, piece of… oh wait, I’m the Tooth Fairy.

My son was devastated. I told him the Tooth Fairy was busy and that sometimes it takes her a few days to show up. I also told him she would add an extra dollar for every day she was late and suggested he request her presence the following Wednesday. That was the guilt talking.

I took to Facebook to admit my crime and discovered I wasn’t alone in the “oops, I did it again” department. It turns out many parents forget about the Tooth Fairy and they come up with all kinds of excuses for her absence:

  • She got stuck in traffic.
  • She got lost.
  • There’s been an abnormally large surge in lost teeth.
  • She broke a wing.
  • She’s on vacation.
  • She was scared off by the dog.
  • She’s at a Tooth Fairy Convention.
  • The good Tooth Fairy had the night off.

I could go on and on.

The thing I love about the Tooth Fairy is that anything is possible. She doesn’t have strict protocols like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, which leaves plenty of room for nuance and imagination. There are infinite ways to explain her actions—the good, the bad, and the scandalous. She’s an independent woman tiny, imaginary being of human form with magical powers who can make and break the rules whenever, wherever, and however she wants. She’s pretty much my hero, which got me thinking about some more appealing explanations for her occasional frequent absences.

  1. She got her period and felt like crap.
  2. It was raining, and she just had a keratin treatment.
  3. She decided to sell all of her belongs, move into a tiny house, and spend her days making jewelry out of teeth.
  4. Digital wallet apps have made her job obsolete.
  5. She’s only doing cruise ships these days.
  6. She’s on sabbatical studying the history of origami.
  7. She’s protesting systematic racism and police brutality against people of color.
  8. Her side hustle—selling handmade gender reveal piñatas on Etsy—is proving to be very lucrative.
  9. She’s having bunion surgery.
  10. Someone gave her Hamilton tickets.
  11. Food poisoning. She’ll never eat tuna salad again.
  12. She’s in Puerto Rico helping with relief efforts.
  13. She’s the new host of the fifth hour of the “Today” show.
  14. She was on her way, but when she walked out her front door, she forgot why, so she went back inside.
  15. She was binge watching “Stranger Things” ahead of season two and lost track of time.
  16. Her phone—and Google Maps—fell in the toilet.
  17. She won the lottery.
  18. She auditioned for “The Voice” and got three chairs to turn around. (She chose Miley.)

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August 31, 2017 · 9:00 am

A Hula Hoop of One’s Own

“Mommy, today’s lesson was hard.”

“Is it because you didn’t practice enough?” In these final days of summer, structure—and instrument practice and pants wearing and tooth brushing—has been of little concern. Case in point, my son changed from his pajamas into clothes just before and only because of his 5:30 p.m. drum lesson.

“No, it’s because it was complicated. I learned the flam.”

“What the heck is a flam? I’ve never heard that word before.”

By the time we reached the car, he explained that it’s when you hit two drums at two different heights at almost the same time. Or something like that. On the drive home, he showed me the flam using the passenger side dashboard as a drum.

“The car is not a drum!” I scolded him, only half-believing the words as they came out of my mouth.

Not to be outdone by his older brother, my little guy who began taking guitar lessons earlier this summer piped in from the backseat with, “Oh yeah, ‘Eddy ate dynamite good bye Eddy!’”

“What the heck is that and who the heck is Eddy?”

“Low E. A. D. G. B. High E,” he said proudly. “It’s music notes,” as if it were obvious to everyone in the world but me.

“Woah, kid. That’s a lot of awesome information.”

And because sibling rivalry is absolutely a thing, my front seat drummer boy upped the ante with the presentation of a seventeen stroke roll. On the dashboard. Again.

My kids were schooling me. “What in the world is a seventeen stroke roll?”

I didn’t discipline him for using the car as a drum again because his explanation and demonstration of a seventeen stroke roll was explosive. Also, I was too busy being in awe of (1) how much stuff my kids know and (2) how much stuff my kids know that I don’t.

I’ve been stumped many times by my boys. Minecraft realms, YouTube “vids,” and ridiculous text talk come to mind, but that knowledge gap feels generational. You know, In my day, we walked uphill…in the snow…both ways!

At school, common core math has been a major stumbling block. Don’t even get me started on multiplying mixed fractions, but there was once a time when I knew how to do it (I think).

Flams, stroke rolls, and Eddy’s dynamite, though, were way outside my hula hoop.

I’m not my kids’ only teacher (nor should I be!) but it’s startling when knowledge and skills from other sources surpass my “mom” curriculum. Even more, it’s humbling to witness them learning things I never dreamed of learning myself.

When we got home, I asked my son to teach me how to do a seventeen stroke roll. On the stairs to the basement where the drum set lives, he explained that there were five, seven, and nine stroke rolls, too.

“Okay. I’ll try a five.”

I did it, but it was awkward and my hands moved in slow motion compared to my son’s machine-like rhythm after more than a year of lessons. His drum skills were impressive, and it was an utter joy to find myself in his hula hoop. I think he quite enjoyed it, too.

I fumbled through a seven and a nine stroke roll just for the fun of it before handing the sticks back to the professional. Upstairs in the kitchen, I asked my younger son to tell me more about Eddy and his dynamite while I marinated chicken. He happily obliged.

These little human beings belong to me, but they are not mine. Their hearts and minds and curiosity and drive will take them to hula hoops far away from mine, and I can’t wait to see what they teach me next.

 

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