My dog’s thoughts upon learning we’re getting a puppy.
- What the f**k did I ever do to you?
- Is this about the time I had diarrhea behind the TV?
- I’m sorry I snore. In my defense, you do, too.
- I’m sorry I accused you of snoring. Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.
- Your farts are like lullabies.
- I’m sorry I accused you of farting. Of course, you don’t fart in your sleep. It must be the other guy.
- You keep saying, “Sharing is caring.” I’m about to be disappointed, aren’t I?
- Our hearts know no bounds? Really?
- Are you still mad about the bunny(ies)?
- I promise I’ll wipe my paws by the back door.
- Seriously. I promise.
- Fine. I’ll swallow that crappy heartworm pill every month. But it tastes like chalk, you know!
- And, by the way, I prefer ground beef to ground chicken.
- Chicken is fine. I love you.
- But why?
- This is happening even if I promise to stop eating grass, isn’t it?