Tag Archives: back to school

Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face and other school rules.

Keeping it real here.

These are the first day of school pictures I showed off on social media this morning.

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Awww. Aren’t they so cute and getting so big and so happy to go back to school?

Sort of.

This was the first picture I took.

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The one of the left is good to go. A little bit nervous, but in his words, “a little bit excited.” The one on the right with the pout? Not so much. Nothing’s staged here. That pout is as authentic as my cleavage wrinkles. If anything, the picture with the smile was coerced. You know, Please smile for Mommy? Just once. C’mon, please? PLEASE!? Smile or I’ll make your life a living hell!

Yesterday, when we talked about the very exciting first day of school ahead as a way to alleviate his anxiety and nerves, he cried. With tears squirting like bullets from his eyes, he begged me to homeschool him. I’m not sure he knows what homeschooling is, but I sure do, and I squirted tears just thinking about the calamity that would result from me trying to teach him anything from home.

“You know that homeschooling doesn’t involve Minecraft, right?” I said.

He was quiet after that, and this morning he walked solemnly into school like a soldier off to war. Like a dead man walking. There were no tears. There was no, “I love you, Mommy.” There was no kiss or hug. (I tried but he pushed me away.) He surrendered to his fate. First grade wasn’t a choice. It was his doom.

This was also one of our photo shoot outtakes.

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There’s this dude on YouTube who makes his Minecraft characters shake their booties and sing, “I put my booty in your face, I put my booty in your face!” It’s as annoying as it sounds. While the rest of the civilized world spent the summer perfecting their “whip” and “nae nae,” my boys were busy shaking their booties in anyone’s face they could find, which was mostly mine. Now that school is upon us and our summer bubble has (finally for the love of all that is holy) burst, I’m a little bit nervous that they might put their booties in the wrong place, like in front the school librarian, which reminded me to review some basic school rules over breakfast.

  1. Have fun!
  2. Keep an open mind.
  3. Be kind.
  4. Be scared. When you feel scared, it means you’re doing something brave. Own it.
  5. If you fart, say excuse me.
  6. Be a good listener.
  7. Don’t talk when your teacher is talking.
  8. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, including “Where is the bathroom?”
  9. GO TO THE BATHROOM IF YOU NEED TO!
  10. Don’t fear the girls. I’m a girl! Girls are awesome! That, and they usually take better notes and can tell you what you missed when you were putting your booty in someone’s face.
  11. Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face.

I haven’t received a phone call from school, so I think they’re following the rules.

What would you add to the list?

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Filed under boys, rules, school

The Night Before School: A Back to School Poem

 

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It’s the night before school

The kids are in denial.

This summer has been endless

I might not make the last mile.

~

On the one hand my kids

Make me lose my mind.

On the flip side I’m dreading

The back to school grind.

~

School lunches and homework

And PTO asks,

Projects and dioramas

And last minute tasks.

~

Our lazy mornings

Have been easy and chill.

Our all-day pajamas

Have been better than the drill…

~

Of brushing teeth

And getting dressed

And eating breakfast

Before we’re pressed…

~

For time to tie laces

And pack up by eight,

With me pointing my finger yelling,

“We’re going to be late!”

~

But the time has come

For structure and rules,

For taking baths

And wearing shoes.

~

I’m desperate to pee and

Grocery shop alone,

And to be interruption-free

When I’m on the telephone.

~

The time has come,

So let’s get real.

Once I drop them off

I just might squeal…

~

With joy that they’re gone

All day until three.

There will finally be time

For me, me, me, ME!

~

I know it’s hard,

I can tell they’re sad

But the thing is,

I think they’ve forgotten how to add…

~

And subtract and spell

And there’s this thing called reading.

When I ask them to do it

They act like they’re feeling…

~

Tired or sick

Or caught in a fish hook.

They’ll do absolutely anything

To avoid touching a book.

~

They have to go to school

To reboot all they’ve lost,

And they need a break from Minecraft

At any cost!

~

All good things

Must come to a close.

Tomorrow morning

We’ll be in the throws…

~

Of schedules and practices

And forms to fill out,

Of runny noses

And God forbid a bout…

~

Of the stomach bug

Or the dreaded head lice.

Whatever the season brings

It’s time to roll the dice.

~

Their hair has been cut,

New sneakers have been bought.

The backpacks are ready

Whether they care or not.

~

I’ll cherish the summer

(Except for YouTube and “I’m bored!”)

But tomorrow morning

I’m cutting the cord!

~

Let common core math

And book reports commence.

There’s no turning back

And there’s no good defense.

~

We must embrace the chaos

And the testing, oh dear!

It’s time once again, Mamas

For another crazy school year!

~

Good luck to all, and to all a good night!

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Filed under poem, school