My dog’s thoughts upon learning we’re getting a puppy. 

My dog’s thoughts upon learning we’re getting a puppy.

1. What the f**k did I ever do to you?
2. Is this about the time I had diarrhea behind the TV?
3. I’m sorry I snore. In my defense, you do, too.
4. I’m sorry I accused you of snoring. Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.
5. Your farts are like lullabies.
6. I’m sorry I accused you of farting. Of course, you don’t fart in your sleep. It must be the other guy.
7. You keep saying, “Sharing is caring.” I’m about to be disappointed, aren’t I?
8. Our hearts know no bounds? Really?
9. Are you still mad about the bunny(ies)?
10. I promise I’ll wipe my paws by the back door.
11. Seriously. I promise.
12. Fine. I’ll swallow that crappy heartworm pill every month. But it tastes like chalk, you know!
13. And, by the way, I prefer ground beef to ground chicken.
14. Chicken is fine. I love you.
15. But why?
16. This is happening even if I promise to stop eating grass, isn’t it?

F**k.