September 8, 2015 · 12:14 pm

I’ve been syndicated!

Afternoon, Mamas!

I hope you had a great Labor Day weekend. I spent mine hanging pictures, painting a bedroom, and buying area rugs on which Gertie peed as soon as they were unrolled. Nothing says home like that new rug smell plus puppy pee!

It’s been almost three months since the moving truck pulled up to our new house, and I’m beginning to understand that like potty training, unpacking takes between three days and three years (under the best of circumstances). This realization has helped me CTFD about the boxes that are still stacked up in the dining room as well as the fact that I don’t have a dining room table. It’s also allowed me to get back to writing without obsessing about what’s inside all of those boxes (I have no clue, by the way). Sadly, I can’t say the same thing about the dining room table, or lack thereof. Here’s an excerpt from my latest bio:

“When Jennifer’s not writing, begging her boys to brush their teeth, or scrubbing dog pee from brand-effing-new area rugs, you can find her bookmarking dining room tables she can’t afford on websites like Wayfair and Joss & Main.”

I’m so excited to announce that my recent essay, Muscle Memory, has been syndicated on Sammiches and Psych Meds, a “community of candid and often humorous writers using the keyboard as a form of therapy for surviving the trials of parenthood, politics, teaching, marriage and relationships, and life in general.”

I’m really proud to be a part of this kick-ass group of bloggers, and I’m equally proud of this essay. It wasn’t easy to write as it exposed some pretty deep flaws in my parenting, but if I’ve learned anything on this journey – as a writer and mother – it’s that honesty, vulnerability, and failure move mountains. I couldn’t have begun the process of reigniting my motherhood spark unless I admitted I’d lost it in the first place.

Even if you read Muscle Memory here, please (OH PLEASE!) click through and check it out on Sammiches and Psych Meds because: (1) it’s a great read (just sayin’), (2) you might discover some other talented, funny, and thought-provoking writers while you’re there, (3) I’ll be compensated based on unique page views for a period of 30 days, and (4) I’ll be compensated based on unique page views for a period of 30 days!

Imagine this, my friends. Imagine me getting paid for doing what I love. Imagine me getting paid for doing what I love, and, as a result, affording a dining room table…preferably a round, pedestal, extension, distressed wood one that seats up to eight people. As long as we’re fantasizing here, imagine me (someday) affording eight chairs to go with it!

Here’s the link:

–> http://www.sammichespsychmeds.com/muscle-memory-reigniting-the-motherhood-spark/2/ <–

Thank you from the bottom of my (#shopaholicmama) heart for clicking through, reading and SHARING!

Talk soon,

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Filed under moving, shopping, writing

September 3, 2015 · 2:12 pm

Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face and other school rules.

Keeping it real here.

These are the first day of school pictures I showed off on social media this morning.

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Awww. Aren’t they so cute and getting so big and so happy to go back to school?

Sort of.

This was the first picture I took.

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The one of the left is good to go. A little bit nervous, but in his words, “a little bit excited.” The one on the right with the pout? Not so much. Nothing’s staged here. That pout is as authentic as my cleavage wrinkles. If anything, the picture with the smile was coerced. You know, Please smile for Mommy? Just once. C’mon, please? PLEASE!? Smile or I’ll make your life a living hell!

Yesterday, when we talked about the very exciting first day of school ahead as a way to alleviate his anxiety and nerves, he cried. With tears squirting like bullets from his eyes, he begged me to homeschool him. I’m not sure he knows what homeschooling is, but I sure do, and I squirted tears just thinking about the calamity that would result from me trying to teach him anything from home.

“You know that homeschooling doesn’t involve Minecraft, right?” I said.

He was quiet after that, and this morning he walked solemnly into school like a soldier off to war. Like a dead man walking. There were no tears. There was no, “I love you, Mommy.” There was no kiss or hug. (I tried but he pushed me away.) He surrendered to his fate. First grade wasn’t a choice. It was his doom.

This was also one of our photo shoot outtakes.

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There’s this dude on YouTube who makes his Minecraft characters shake their booties and sing, “I put my booty in your face, I put my booty in your face!” It’s as annoying as it sounds. While the rest of the civilized world spent the summer perfecting their “whip” and “nae nae,” my boys were busy shaking their booties in anyone’s face they could find, which was mostly mine. Now that school is upon us and our summer bubble has (finally for the love of all that is holy) burst, I’m a little bit nervous that they might put their booties in the wrong place, like in front the school librarian, which reminded me to review some basic school rules over breakfast.

  1. Have fun!
  2. Keep an open mind.
  3. Be kind.
  4. Be scared. When you feel scared, it means you’re doing something brave. Own it.
  5. If you fart, say excuse me.
  6. Be a good listener.
  7. Don’t talk when your teacher is talking.
  8. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, including “Where is the bathroom?”
  9. GO TO THE BATHROOM IF YOU NEED TO!
  10. Don’t fear the girls. I’m a girl! Girls are awesome! That, and they usually take better notes and can tell you what you missed when you were putting your booty in someone’s face.
  11. Don’t put your booty in anyone’s face.

I haven’t received a phone call from school, so I think they’re following the rules.

What would you add to the list?

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Filed under boys, rules, school

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